Issue No 20 - Tuesday 12 May 2020

SORRY I Love Lampooning ‘Yokes

EDITORIAL

This issue was delayed by one day so that I could comment on the news from our Victorian State Premier, Dan Andrews.

We now know that, as from Wednesday (tomorrow), we are able to have small family gatherings and small sporting-type activities. So loved ones can again be a part of our lives. Does this mean babysitting?

The recent testing of 161,000 Victorians produced 30 positive results – to prove that the insidious virus is still out there among us. Those 30 people did not know that they had the virus – until they did the test, and got the result.

It does mean that the “Silly” will continue, at least until the end of May – access to material permitting.

Be good and stay safe.

RUBY TRANSFORMATION 

A reader has submitted photos of the transformation of Ruby – pre-C19 and now. Ruby is currently not a fan of cold weather. 

AMANDA’S GARLIC

The following photo shows Amanda’s garlic heading for the stars. Stay tuned….

GREAT LAWN BOWLS SHOT

Something to aspire to here folks:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4ohG2I0NA8&feature=youtu.be

THERAPEUTIC IDEA FROM A READER

To take the edge of self-isolation I bought a facial disguise to wear. When I feel a bit down I put it on and go to the bathroom look in the mirror and have a long conversation with a complete stranger. I do all the talking.

GOLDEN OLDIES. 😂😂

• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, apparently they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off !

QUIZ

Some hurdles, but an average intelligence should suffice.

1.        How many birthdays does the average person have?

2.        Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?

3.        Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister?

4.        Divide 30 by ½ and add 10.

5.        How much earth is in a hole in the ground, one metre deep, and one metre square?

6.        Which 2 odd numbers multiplied together equal 7?

7.        Is there a 4^th of July in Norway?

8.        If you have 10 apples and you take 3 away, how many do you have?

9.        How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?

10.     A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

Answers below somewhere…..

MAYBE NEIL DIAMOND

Maybe check these out:

https://youtu.be/sPLgsV_Ms3Q

https://youtu.be/5Gf9kH46kXI

IDLE THOUGHTS

·         Do twins, triplets, etc. ever realize that only one of them was planned?

·         What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

·         If poisons had an expiry date; are they more poisonous or no longer poisonous, after the expiry date is reached?

·         In the word "scent" which letter is silent the “S” or the “C”?

·         In the English language, why is the letter “W”  called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

·         Could it be that oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work?

·         Every time you clean something, you must make something else dirty.

·         The word "swims" upside-down - is still "swims".

·         Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

·         100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

·         Have you realised that your future self is watching you right now through memories.

·          If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

·         If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

·         If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)

ASDA PIZZA COMPLAINT

This is priceless. Watch it until the end…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SL3e6L9Kd0

ONE LINERS FROM BOB HOPE

On his deathbed they asked Bob Hope where he wanted to be buried. He replied: "Surprise me."

------------------

ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill."

------------------

ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

------------------

ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

------------------

ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

------------------

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

------------------

ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

------------------

ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."

----------

--------

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

------------------

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

------------------

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

------------------

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

------------------

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

------------------

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

------------------

Learn from yesterday, live for today, keep one hand on your wallet and don't worry about tomorrow.

------------------

KEYBOARD DANCING

The following link provides something different. It is worth a look:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BDUVh0j-y4

If you liked that, try this one …….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjRRkaJjbSc

ANSWERS TO QUIZ ON PAGE 2 & 3

1.           Just one!

2.           All 12

3.           No – because he is dead

4.           70

5.           None

6.           1 and 7

7.           Yes, it comes after 3^rd of July

8.           The 3 you took away

9.           None.  Moses didn’t have an Ark, Noah did

10.        9

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine.  If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊😊 😊

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue. 

Click here to go to the previous issue.
Click here to go to the Table of Contents.

*** End of Issue No 20  ***

Issue No 19 - Friday 8 May 2020

Sad Italian LADS LIck Yoghurt

EDITORIAL

The Victorian Premier is only a few days away from announcing our immediate future, re isolation and social distancing. Let’s hope that gives us something to smile about.

MUM’S

In the meantime, I hope all the readers who mix isolation with being a Mum can still feel the love from their children on Sunday – for Mother’s Day. Maybe you are able to pass on the love to your Special Mum.

Hopefully, phones and computers run hot and you will get promises of hugs and kisses that will be fulfilled very soon. Maybe some will score breakfast in bed.

I am sure you will identify with these sayings that many of our mothers used to say! 

• You’ll thank me for this one day. 
• What did your last servant die of? 
• I’m only doing this for your own good. 
• There’ll be no pudding until you’ve eaten everything on your plate. 
• Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t make it right. 
• When in doubt - don’t! 
• Have you got a clean hankie? 
• Do you think I was born yesterday? 
• When I was your age…… 
• Two wrongs don’t make a right.
• How would you feel if someone did that to you? 
• I don’t care who started it…… 
• Ask your father.
• Do you think I’m made of money 
• Because I am your mother and I say so!

Extra thanks goes to a regular contributor for that “special” & timely list.

THE TWO RONNIES – CROSSWORD

For a great laugh check out some great English humour:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVWdbO6FFfw

CHURCH TYPOS

Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.’
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• And this one just about sums them all up The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

GRANT STOTT SAVE LIVES

The following link plays a YouTube video with a familiar tune having new words, based on COVID-19. Enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLzNwMpncHE

The following link plays a non-COVID-19 tune from the same comedian. Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e-omkUFUk0

NO APOLOGIES COMING – TRUE STORIES

If you can't smile, then laugh at UK humour! Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 
4. Their 18-year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next-door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

YMCA

If you like the song YMCA and you enjoy a laugh please click on the following link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wvxy7cjF92M

HUMOUR
Paddy and Seamus were late leaving the pub, and so they missed the 310 bus.
“What are we gonna do?” asked Seamus.
Across the road was the bus depot.
“I’ll tell you what.” replied Paddy, “go and pinch a bus, and we’ll drive it home.”
Seamus quickly went across, and then returned a few minutes later with a long face.
“I couldn’t see a 310 anywhere,” he said.
“Ya stuped eedjet!” yelled Paddy. “Just get a 205, and we’ll walk a block!”


PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊 😊

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue. 

Click here to go to the previous issue.
Click here to go to the Table of Contents.

SUDOKU PUZZLE

What is the value that should be placed in the yellow box? 

*** End of Issue No 19  ***

Issue No 18 - Tuesday 5 May 2020

Senior IRISH LADIES LIKE Yawning

EDITORIAL

A meme is a defined as a virally-transmitted photograph that is embellished with text that pokes fun at a cultural symbol or social idea. 

Over the journey of the Silly Newsletter, I have seen in excess of 600 memes. There are at least eight in this blog chapter. Coupled with that I have seen countless text based jokes, stories, anecdotes and bits of information and history – not to mention 81 video clips totalling 779 MB.

Common decency does not allow me to share many of them with you - many are borderline and I have tried to err on the side of decency.

However, I have tried to include as many as I can, for our joint enjoyment.
The journey has been very enjoyable, and I thank all the people who have contributed.

There is more to come ……………

AMANDA’S GARLIC

The following photo shows Amanda’s garlic entering a brave new world. 400+ plants. Stay tuned….

Gang Gang Cockatoo
[Taken by the Editor in his Melbourne back yard 22/04/2020]

MY THERAPIST

Me: I am terrified of random letters. 
Therapist: You are? 
Me: (screaming)
Therapist: Oh I see. 
Me: (screaming intensifies)

OLD MAN

I met an old man on London bridge,
As the sun set on the ridge,
He tipped his hat and drew his name,
And cheated at the guessing game.
What was the man’s name?

          Answer somewhere below…..

GOLF TERMS 

• A Princess Diana is - "shouldn't have used a driver"
• A Hitler is - "two shots in the bunker" 
• A Princess Grace is - " should've used a driver " 
• An O - somehow got away with it
• A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
• A Saddam Hussein - go from bunker to bunker
• A Maradona - a nasty five footer
• A Sheila - Failure to make the ladies tee
• A Wrong Road - When your drive ends up on an adjacent fairway
• A Scrotum - When your drive finishes within one club length of another Player’s drive
• A Cathy Freeman - A fast, ugly downhill putt
• A Koala - when you hit a gum tree & and your ball ends up in the middle of the intended fairway. Must be a gum tree as koalas only live in gum trees.

MEDICAL TERMS

• Artery - The study of paintings.
• Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
• Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
• Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
• Caesarean Section - Neighbourhood in Rome.
• Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
• Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
• Colic - A sheep dog.
• Coma - A punctuation mark.
• Dilate - To live long.
• Enema - Not a friend.
• Fester - Quicker than someone else.
• Fibula - A small lie.
• Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
• Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.
• Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
• Morbid - A higher offer.
• Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
• Node - I knew it.
• Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
• Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
• Post Operative - A letter carrier.
• Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
• Rectum - Nearly killed him.
• Secretion - Hiding something.
• Seizure - Roman emperor.
• Tablet - A small table.
• Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumour - One plus one more.
• Urine - Opposite of you're out.
• 2xCondoms - To be sure, to be sure

HEALTH CHECK

True story from a reader ……..
I made the mistake of telling my husband that an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell. He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity and then when I react, informing me he is helpfully ‘performing a health check’.

UK CLASSIFIED ADS

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. 
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ... 
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER. 
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

CHILDREN ARE QUICK 

TEACHER: Why are you late? 
STUDENT: The class started before I got here. 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago 
WINNIE: Me! 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD: A teacher

And Finally:
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

SOME INTERESTING COLLECTIVE NOUNS:
A CARAVAN of camels.
A MURDER of crows.
A PARLIAMENT of owls.
A PRICKLE of porcupines.
A CACKLE of hyenas.
A PANDEMONIUM of parrots.
An AMBUSH of tigers.

And maybe……
An ISOLATION of friends.
A PANIC of toilet rolls.
An INANITY of trumps.
A SILENCE of football matches.
A DRIVE of golfers.

And ….
A PREMIERSHIP of Magpies.


The OLD MAN was Andrew………

A TEXAN IN IRELAND

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


GOOD MOTTO FOR MANY OF US

Grab a couple of tissues and play the attached clip involving singer Toby Keith and Clint Eastwood.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N87Jbgj-IT0


FREE HANDS

Keep your hands empty while you watch the video....
Watch it on full screen mode....

Irish Confidence Building Course

Lessons to be learned here..........

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊 😊

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue. 

Click here to go to the previous issue.
Click here to go to the Table of Contents.

*** End of Issue No 18  ***