Issue No 18 - Tuesday 5 May 2020

Senior IRISH LADIES LIKE Yawning

EDITORIAL

A meme is a defined as a virally-transmitted photograph that is embellished with text that pokes fun at a cultural symbol or social idea. 

Over the journey of the Silly Newsletter, I have seen in excess of 600 memes. There are at least eight in this blog chapter. Coupled with that I have seen countless text based jokes, stories, anecdotes and bits of information and history – not to mention 81 video clips totalling 779 MB.

Common decency does not allow me to share many of them with you - many are borderline and I have tried to err on the side of decency.

However, I have tried to include as many as I can, for our joint enjoyment.
The journey has been very enjoyable, and I thank all the people who have contributed.

There is more to come ……………

AMANDA’S GARLIC

The following photo shows Amanda’s garlic entering a brave new world. 400+ plants. Stay tuned….

Gang Gang Cockatoo
[Taken by the Editor in his Melbourne back yard 22/04/2020]

MY THERAPIST

Me: I am terrified of random letters. 
Therapist: You are? 
Me: (screaming)
Therapist: Oh I see. 
Me: (screaming intensifies)

OLD MAN

I met an old man on London bridge,
As the sun set on the ridge,
He tipped his hat and drew his name,
And cheated at the guessing game.
What was the man’s name?

          Answer somewhere below…..

GOLF TERMS 

• A Princess Diana is - "shouldn't have used a driver"
• A Hitler is - "two shots in the bunker" 
• A Princess Grace is - " should've used a driver " 
• An O - somehow got away with it
• A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
• A Saddam Hussein - go from bunker to bunker
• A Maradona - a nasty five footer
• A Sheila - Failure to make the ladies tee
• A Wrong Road - When your drive ends up on an adjacent fairway
• A Scrotum - When your drive finishes within one club length of another Player’s drive
• A Cathy Freeman - A fast, ugly downhill putt
• A Koala - when you hit a gum tree & and your ball ends up in the middle of the intended fairway. Must be a gum tree as koalas only live in gum trees.

MEDICAL TERMS

• Artery - The study of paintings.
• Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
• Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
• Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
• Caesarean Section - Neighbourhood in Rome.
• Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
• Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
• Colic - A sheep dog.
• Coma - A punctuation mark.
• Dilate - To live long.
• Enema - Not a friend.
• Fester - Quicker than someone else.
• Fibula - A small lie.
• Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
• Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.
• Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
• Morbid - A higher offer.
• Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
• Node - I knew it.
• Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
• Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
• Post Operative - A letter carrier.
• Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
• Rectum - Nearly killed him.
• Secretion - Hiding something.
• Seizure - Roman emperor.
• Tablet - A small table.
• Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumour - One plus one more.
• Urine - Opposite of you're out.
• 2xCondoms - To be sure, to be sure

HEALTH CHECK

True story from a reader ……..
I made the mistake of telling my husband that an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell. He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity and then when I react, informing me he is helpfully ‘performing a health check’.

UK CLASSIFIED ADS

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES. 
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ... 
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER. 
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

CHILDREN ARE QUICK 

TEACHER: Why are you late? 
STUDENT: The class started before I got here. 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago 
WINNIE: Me! 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD: A teacher

And Finally:
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

SOME INTERESTING COLLECTIVE NOUNS:
A CARAVAN of camels.
A MURDER of crows.
A PARLIAMENT of owls.
A PRICKLE of porcupines.
A CACKLE of hyenas.
A PANDEMONIUM of parrots.
An AMBUSH of tigers.

And maybe……
An ISOLATION of friends.
A PANIC of toilet rolls.
An INANITY of trumps.
A SILENCE of football matches.
A DRIVE of golfers.

And ….
A PREMIERSHIP of Magpies.


The OLD MAN was Andrew………

A TEXAN IN IRELAND

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


GOOD MOTTO FOR MANY OF US

Grab a couple of tissues and play the attached clip involving singer Toby Keith and Clint Eastwood.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N87Jbgj-IT0


FREE HANDS

Keep your hands empty while you watch the video....
Watch it on full screen mode....

Irish Confidence Building Course

Lessons to be learned here..........

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊 😊

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue. 

Click here to go to the previous issue.
Click here to go to the Table of Contents.

*** End of Issue No 18  ***