Sad Italian LADS LIck
Yoghurt
EDITORIAL
The Victorian Premier is only a few days away from announcing our immediate future, re isolation and social distancing. Let’s hope that gives us something to smile about.
MUM’S
In the meantime, I hope all the readers who mix isolation with being a Mum can still feel the love from their children on Sunday – for Mother’s Day. Maybe you are able to pass on the love to your Special Mum.
Hopefully, phones and computers run hot and you will get promises of hugs and kisses that will be fulfilled very soon. Maybe some will score breakfast in bed.
I am sure you will identify with these sayings that many of our mothers used to say!
• You’ll thank me for this one day.
• What did your last servant die of?
• I’m only doing this for your own good.
• There’ll be no pudding until you’ve eaten everything on your plate.
• Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t make it right.
• When in doubt - don’t!
• Have you got a clean hankie?
• Do you think I was born yesterday?
• When I was your age……
• Two wrongs don’t make a right.
• How would you feel if someone did that to you?
• I don’t care who started it……
• Ask your father.
• Do you think I’m made of money
• Because I am your mother and I say so!
Extra thanks goes to a regular contributor for that “special” & timely list.
THE TWO RONNIES – CROSSWORD
For a great laugh check out some great English humour:
CHURCH TYPOS
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.’
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- And this one just about sums them all up The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
GRANT STOTT SAVE LIVES
The following link plays a YouTube video with a familiar tune having new words, based on COVID-19. Enjoy:
The following link plays a non-COVID-19 tune from the same comedian. Enjoy.
NO APOLOGIES COMING – TRUE STORIES
If you can't smile, then laugh at UK humour! Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18-year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next-door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
YMCA
If you like the song YMCA and you enjoy a laugh please click on the following link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wvxy7cjF92M
HUMOUR
Paddy and Seamus were late leaving the pub, and so they missed the 310 bus.
“What are we gonna do?” asked Seamus.
Across the road was the bus depot.
“I’ll tell you what.” replied Paddy, “go and pinch a bus, and we’ll drive it home.”
Seamus quickly went across, and then returned a few minutes later with a long face.
“I couldn’t see a 310 anywhere,” he said.
“Ya stuped eedjet!” yelled Paddy. “Just get a 205, and we’ll walk a block!”
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊 😊
SUDOKU PUZZLE
What is the value that should be placed in the yellow box?
*** End of Issue No 19 ***
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