Issue No 10 - Easter Weekend

Serious Isolators Last Longer Ya
 

EDITORIAL

I am pretty disappointed with the disregard that many people have for the messages that our leaders are trying to impart. Many of our friends are putting (their) priorities in front of what we are being asked to do.

We are missing our grand-children and apparently they are missing us. However, Shirley and I are trying to do our bit, while other people believe that they know better.

It is very hard for us all. We managed with young children, so our children should be able to manage with young children – at a time when we are being asked to isolate and stay away. So, lets isolate and stay away.

We have a single neighbour who has been isolating for three weeks. Shirley and I have been doing so for over two weeks. Morally we should be able to get together for a coffee. But we are being asked not to – so we don’t.

As a community let’s try a bit harder.

Anyway, I have made my first online order from Bunnings. So now we have supermarket, green grocer, pharmacy and Bunnings under control.

I was also able to get a photo at 1:20 am Thursday of the second super moon for the year, through a big gum tree in our back yard.

Shirley and I hope you have a great Easter, although it will surely be different to passed years.

Chris 

ONLINE ANZAC BISCUITS

It has been a Kelly tradition for a long time that I cook Anzac biscuits around this time of the year – for obvious reasons.

The idea started with my children, and then moved to me being helped by grandchildren.

Ironically, I supply the skills, the ingredients and the cooking power – but the kids always seem to get ownership of the end product. However, Shirley and I seem to always get some sort of meagre allocation. 😊

This year we are isolated from our two great grandsons two lovely grand-daughters, so I organised a ZOOM cooking session.

I was at home with the PC on the bench, the boys were in their home, and the girls were in their home (fully supported by their Mum).

We all had a great time, and we were all more than satisfied with the result. Shirley and I got to keep our allocation. 😊

ANZAC Work-bench with Computer

End Product - ANZAC Biscuits

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

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I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
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I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

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Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
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PAS: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
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Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
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I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
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This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
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So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
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Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
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My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
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Day 5 of Home-schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
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I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
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I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
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Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
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Day 6 of Home-schooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

FROM FORM 1 POETRY BOOK                  LT

 

There was a young lady of Ryde;
Of eating green apples she died.

Inside the lamented
The apples fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
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There was a young man of Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He went just for fun,
Dressed up as a bun,
And a dog ate him up in the hall.
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There was a sculptor of mark
Whom they chose to brighten Hyde Park.
Some thought his design
Most markedly fine-
But more liked it best in the dark.
 

MAROONED

Two blokes were marooned on a deserted island in the middle of the broad seas. One, Bill, was a Gentile and Hymie was a Jew. After a short time Bill was starting to become quite desperate, fearing they would never see anyone else ever again. So, every day he started gathering firewood and lighting fires in the hope that a passing ship or anyone might see them or the smoke. Also he spent hours scratching large messages in the sand on the beaches in the hope that maybe a passing plane might spot them.

All through these efforts, Hymie simply lay back enjoying the sun and the surf and the coconuts he would find lying around. After a short time this all got to Bill, who, in anger, accused of Hymie of letting him do all the work and doing nothing to help.

In response, Hymie said, “Bill, last year I gave a million dollars to the synagogue and the year before that I also gave the synagogue a million dollars. They will find me.”

WOOD GATHERERS                                              LM

And it came to pass that this brave was elected by all the Indian tribes in all of North America to be the Supreme Leader because of his outstanding knowledge of all things.

He decided to address all of the people to find out what was troubling them the most – so he gathered the tribes together and said he would answer any question that they would ask.

The first question was: “Oh wise one will the coming winter be a cold winter?”

He thought about this for a while and replied that he would answer the next morning -  he went straight back to his tepee and phoned the weather bureau who confirmed that it could be a cold winter.

Everyone was assembled the next morning and Supreme Leader said “Yes it will be a cold winter”.

A voice cried out “but wise one will it be a very cold winter?” -  he said I will tell you in the morning. He went straight back to his tepee, phoned the weather bureau and they told him it would be a very cold winter.

At the assembly the next morning he passed on this news but a voice said “but oh wise one what will we do ?”

He replied “go out and fetch more firewood”.  Again, another voice said “but oh wise one will it be a very very cold winter?”  and he said again I will tell you in the morning.

The weather bureau again confirmed that it would be a very very cold winter.

He told the tribes this the next morning and a voice again was heard “but of wise one what will we do?” and he again replied “go out and bring in as much firewood as you can because it will be a very very cold winter” and they obeyed him immediately.

When he  got back to his tepee he suddenly had doubts as to whether the weather bureau actually knew for sure what they were talking about  - so he again phoned the weather bureau and asked them if they were definite that it was going to be a very very cold winter, and how did they actually ascertain this.

The informed reply was:

“Satellite surveillance show us that every tribe in the land is out gathering as much firewood as they can”.

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine.

If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊

Please:

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*** End of Issue No 10 ***


 

Issue No 9 - Thursday 10 April

Some Idiots Like Licking Yaks

EDITORIAL

Hello again. I did promise to keep track of people and have a regular report of the best contributors. That was before I realised how big your response would be and the effort to release a “Silly” every two days – not to mentioned maintain the blog.

Don’t get me wrong. I am having a ball.

Unless it really upsets someone I am going to back out of that promise and put my energy into completing new issues. I hope that is acceptable to the very good contributors.

Just to be a glutton for punishment I am considering doing a photobook of the COVID-19 humour. Maybe 100 A4 pages?

Thanks again for the huge amount of humour that is coming my way. You are helping to make other people happy – and give them a smile.

I am still accepting meanings for the acronym Silly. 😊

Editor Chris

TO ALL THE SENIORS OUT THERE

Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

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Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
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Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
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The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
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These days, "on time" is when you get there.
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Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
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Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
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Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you
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"Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you're there.
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When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
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Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.
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You thought growing old would take longer.
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Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
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You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

MORE FACTS ABOUT ENGLAND IN THE 1500’s

Sometimes people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chew the fat''.

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Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
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Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.
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Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.
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England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
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Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''.

C R I C K E T

Cricket is a game in played by two teams of eleven players. One side is in and the other is out, on the field.

Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out to be in until he is out and comes in.

When the side that is in, is all out, the side that has been out in the field goes in, and the side that was in goes out on the field and tries to get out the side that went in.

Sometimes there are men still in, and not out, when the side is finally out.

When both sides have been in and out – including those not out and longer in  . . .

The match has come to an end.

SPEAK CLEARLY PLEASE

A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They
look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

ELEPHANT JOKES                          MG
(from around the early sixties)

 

Why do elephants wear ripple soled shoes?
To give the ants an even chance.

How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini Minor?
2 in the front and 2 in the back.

How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
By his footprints in the butter.

 

ANOTHER POEM

I LOVE TO MEET MY MATES

BUT LATELY WITH THIS VIRUS HERE
WE CAN'T  GO OUT OUR GATES.
 

YOU SEE WE ARE OLDIES NOW

WE NEED TO STAY INSIDE
IF THEY HAVEN'T  SEEN US FOR A WHILE
THEY'LL  THINK WE'VE  UPPED AND DIED.

 

THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE THINGS WE DID
BEFORE WE ALL GOT OLD
THERE WASN'T  ANY FACEBOOK
SO NOT EVERYTHING  WAS TOLD.
 

WE MAY SEEM SWEET OLD LADIES

WHO WOULD NEVER BE UNCOUTH
BUT WE GREW UP IN THE 60'S
IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE TRUTH
 

THERE WAS SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK N ROLL

THE PILL AND MINISKIRTS
WE SMOKED, WE DRANK,  WE PARTIED
AND WERE OUTRAGEOUS  FLIRTS.
 

THEN WE SETTLED DOWN, GOT MARRIED

AND TURNED INTO SOMEONE'S MUM
SOMEBODY'S WIFE, THEN NANA
WHO ON EARTH DID WE BECOME
 

WE DIDN'T  MIND THE CHANGE OF PACE

BECAUSE  OUR LIVES WERE FULL
BUT TO BURY US BEFORE WE'RE  DEAD
IS A RED FLAG TO A BULL

 

SO HERE YOU FIND ME STUCK INSIDE
FOR 4 WEEKS MAYBE MORE
I FINALLY FOUND MYSELF AGAIN
AND NOW I'M BEHIND MY DOOR

 

IT DIDN'T  REALLY BOTHER ME
I'D  WHILE AWAY THE HOURS
I'D  BAKE FOR THE FAMILY
BUT I'VE GOT NO BLOOMIN FLOUR

 

NOW NETFLIX IS JUST WONDERFUL

I LIKE A GUSTY THRILLER
I'M SWOOONING OVER IDRIS
OR SOME RANDOM SEXY KILLER
 

AT LEAST I'VE GOT A STASH OF BOOZE

FOR WHEN IM BEING IDOL
THERE'S  WINE AND WHISKY, EVEN GIN
IF I'M  FEELING SUICIDAL
 

SO LET'S ALL DRINK TO LOCKDOWN

TO RECOVERY AND HEALTH
AND HOPE THIS HORRID VIRUS
DOESN'T  DECIMATE OUR WEALTH

 

WE'LL ALL GET THROUGH THIS CRISIS
AND BE BACK TO JOIN OUR MATES
JUST HOPING IM NOT FAR TOO WIDE
TO FIT THROUGH THOSE FLAMING GATES.


PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine.

If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊

 

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue. 

Click here to go to the previous issue.
Click here to go to the Table of Contents.

*** End of Issue No 9 ***