C19 "Silly" Newsletter: Issue No 9

Some Idiots Like Licking Yaks

EDITORIAL

Hello again. I did promise to keep track of people and have a regular report of the best contributors. That was before I realised how big your response would be and the effort to release a “Silly” every two days – not to mentioned maintain the blog.

Don’t get me wrong. I am having a ball.

Unless it really upsets someone I am going to back out of that promise and put my energy into completing new issues. I hope that is acceptable to the very good contributors.

Just to be a glutton for punishment I am considering doing a photobook of the COVID-19 humour. Maybe 100 A4 pages?

Thanks again for the huge amount of humour that is coming my way. You are helping to make other people happy – and give them a smile.

I am still accepting meanings for the acronym Silly. 😊

Editor Chris

TO ALL THE SENIORS OUT THERE

Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

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Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
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Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
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The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
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These days, "on time" is when you get there.
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Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
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Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
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Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you
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"Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you're there.
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When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
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Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.
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You thought growing old would take longer.
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Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
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You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

MORE FACTS ABOUT ENGLAND IN THE 1500’s

Sometimes people could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chew the fat''.

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Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
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Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.
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Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.
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England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
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Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''.

C R I C K E T

Cricket is a game in played by two teams of eleven players. One side is in and the other is out, on the field.

Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out to be in until he is out and comes in.

When the side that is in, is all out, the side that has been out in the field goes in, and the side that was in goes out on the field and tries to get out the side that went in.

Sometimes there are men still in, and not out, when the side is finally out.

When both sides have been in and out – including those not out and longer in . . .

The match has come to an end.

SPEAK CLEARLY PLEASE

A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They
look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

ELEPHANT JOKES MG
(from around the early sixties)

Why do elephants wear ripple soled shoes?
To give the ants an even chance.

How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini Minor?
2 in the front and 2 in the back.

How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
By his footprints in the butter.

ANOTHER POEM

I LOVE TO MEET MY MATES

BUT LATELY WITH THIS VIRUS HERE
WE CAN'T GO OUT OUR GATES.

YOU SEE WE ARE OLDIES NOW

WE NEED TO STAY INSIDE
IF THEY HAVEN'T SEEN US FOR A WHILE
THEY'LL THINK WE'VE UPPED AND DIED.

THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE THINGS WE DID
BEFORE WE ALL GOT OLD
THERE WASN'T ANY FACEBOOK
SO NOT EVERYTHING WAS TOLD.

WE MAY SEEM SWEET OLD LADIES

WHO WOULD NEVER BE UNCOUTH
BUT WE GREW UP IN THE 60'S
IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE TRUTH

THERE WAS SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK N ROLL

THE PILL AND MINISKIRTS
WE SMOKED, WE DRANK, WE PARTIED
AND WERE OUTRAGEOUS FLIRTS.

THEN WE SETTLED DOWN, GOT MARRIED

AND TURNED INTO SOMEONE'S MUM
SOMEBODY'S WIFE, THEN NANA
WHO ON EARTH DID WE BECOME

WE DIDN'T MIND THE CHANGE OF PACE

BECAUSE OUR LIVES WERE FULL
BUT TO BURY US BEFORE WE'RE DEAD
IS A RED FLAG TO A BULL

SO HERE YOU FIND ME STUCK INSIDE
FOR 4 WEEKS MAYBE MORE
I FINALLY FOUND MYSELF AGAIN
AND NOW I'M BEHIND MY DOOR

IT DIDN'T REALLY BOTHER ME
I'D WHILE AWAY THE HOURS
I'D BAKE FOR THE FAMILY
BUT I'VE GOT NO BLOOMIN FLOUR

NOW NETFLIX IS JUST WONDERFUL

I LIKE A GUSTY THRILLER
I'M SWOOONING OVER IDRIS
OR SOME RANDOM SEXY KILLER

AT LEAST I'VE GOT A STASH OF BOOZE

FOR WHEN IM BEING IDOL
THERE'S WINE AND WHISKY, EVEN GIN
IF I'M FEELING SUICIDAL

SO LET'S ALL DRINK TO LOCKDOWN

TO RECOVERY AND HEALTH
AND HOPE THIS HORRID VIRUS
DOESN'T DECIMATE OUR WEALTH

WE'LL ALL GET THROUGH THIS CRISIS
AND BE BACK TO JOIN OUR MATES
JUST HOPING IM NOT FAR TOO WIDE
TO FIT THROUGH THOSE FLAMING GATES.

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine.

If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊