Issue No 4 - Tuesday 31 March 2020

SILLY -Staying inside loving life yippee

EDITORIAL

Hello again. I think the image below says it all.

For those of you who live in the north east suburbs of Melbourne and use Facebook, maybe check out the FB page of our local state member Vicky Ward to see the number of infections in our area.

I am trying to provide enough for you to read and stay on the correct side of decency. I apologise in advance if any of the content of these newsletters offends.

My aim is to amuse, not to upset people.

You should be able to add comments to this blog, if you so choose. Look at the bottom of each issue.

Editor Chris

MADE ME SMILE 😊

The following words were penned by a reader – the sister of a neighbour of ours. Thanks Lyn.

Another week of isolation,
As we bunker down around the nation.
Lots of time to eat and drink,
watch tv, cook up a storm.
As we ponder how long 'til we're back to our norm.
But take heart my friends
here's Chris to the rescue
As he publishes his Silly to entertain you.

BAD TIMES                                                FK

Our stocks crashed, we get less than 1% on any fixed deposits and our Superannuation is falling. Fires and floods. And now a virus pandemic. The down-turn is hitting everybody really hard! Things couldn’t be much worse judging by this: 

1.       In NY I saw a Mormon with only one wife. 

2.       Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 US Congressmen. 

3.       If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. 

4.       McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. 

5.       Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. 

6.       My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her. 

7.       A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria. 

8.       A picture is now only worth 200 words. 

9.       The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. 

And, finally; I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

MORE SILLY MEANING

Staying inside loving life yippee

Such Instantaneous Lovely Little Yarns
Sanity Inducing Liberating Laughing Yarn

TRUE STORY FROM JOHN                          CW

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way,she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. . I tell her to fix herself a nice big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susan. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some may even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I'll consider that writing it was worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE: John died suddenly of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. 

His wife Susan was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A hole in one so to speak!

THE BEATLES – I GOTTA WASH MY HANDS

If you click on the following link you will get a very funny version of my first favourite Beatles song. Someone is very clever!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxOJ7hh3H-I

 

SEEN ON A SHOP DOOR                       JC

OFFICE HOURS

Open Most Days About 9 or 10.

Occasionally as Early as 7, But Some Days.
As Late As 12 or 1.
We Close About 5.30 or 6.
Occasionally About 4 or 5, But
Sometimes as Late as 11 or 12
Some Days Or Afternoons, We
Aren’t Here At All, and Lately
I’ve Been Here Just About All The Time,
Except When I’m Someplace Else,
But I Should Be Here Then, Too.

SUDOKU

The following sudoku is supposed to be very very hard. Maybe the sudoku experts out there could give me your opinion. Enjoy.

 

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

 

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue.

Click here to go to the previous issue.

Click here to go to the Table of Contents.



*** End of Issue No 4  ***

Issue No 3 - SUNDAY 29 March 2020

SILLY - Socially Isolated Life Loving Yobbo

ISSUE 3 EDITORIAL

Hello again. I was thinking of maybe getting one newsletter out each week, but here we are with the third edition inside the first week – and a Sunday Edition as well.

Thank you to the people who have responded with articles and humour. Thank you to the people who provided a suggested meaning for the Silly acronym. We have some great suggestions. The above title is my creation from the great ideas that a number of you submitted.  The word isolated could easily have been insecure or inebriated, or a number of other “I” words.

I also contemplated “self inebriated life loving yobbo”, but it was too close to home. 😊
In addition the “i” of silly was all about “isolation” so I wanted to retain that theme.

I may need to hire some staff to manage the points system for prizes and submissions. I have applied to our local member for a grant to get this going. Stay tuned for progress on that one.

Imagine what rubbish I could write after a few glasses of wine.

Editor Chris

MORE FROM THE AUTOGRAPH BOOK         JM

Moses was a holy man
Of children he had seven.
He bought them all a donkey cart
To take them up to Heaven.
The road was long and stony,
And Moses knew it well.
But the donkey tripped,
And the cart tipped
And they all went down to XXXX

---------------
Life is only froth and bubble.
Two things stand like stone;
Kindness in another’s trouble,
Courage in your own.
--------------
Algy met a bear,
The bear met Algy.
The bear grew bulgy,
The bulge was Algy.
---------------
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the others only received minor injuries.
---------------
Within the darkened room,
The wicked woman stands.
“I cannot do the deed,” she says,
The knife falls from her hand.
“But then again, I must,”she says,
As the knife again she feels,
And, as the tears roll down her cheeks,
The onion then she peels.
---------------
Little drops of water
Added to the milk
Give the milkman’s daughter
Dresses of fine silk.
--------------
Never make love near a paddock, because
Potatoes have eyes,
Wheat has ears,
And horses carry tails.

CIRCULATION

If you know someone who would get a smile from this newsletter please feel free to pass copies on to them.

I have not considered how to access past copies. However, if this need arises I probably have the time to consider doing something about it. Editor

JOKES

Mick met Paddy in the street one morning and said to him “the boys are havin’ a bit of a laugh – apparently they passed your place last night, and they saw you and your wife havin’ it on in bed. You should close your blinds.”

Paddy replied, “Well, looks like the jokes on me. I didn’t go home last night.”

SOME GREAT LINES FROM GROUCHO MARX:

·         I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

·         A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
·         One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How it got into my pyjamas, I’ll never know.
·         I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
·         Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
·         A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
 

LIMERICK                                                      JC

There was a young fellow named Kelly
Who had a particular craving for jelly.
He would consume it with vigour
With no thought to his figure
Which resulted in a very sore belly.

SOME INTERESTING FACTS                          JC

·         The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9, and lived in China in 1910.

·         ‘I am’ is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

·         The youngest Pope was 11 years old.

·         In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When the ropes were pulled the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.

·         Hence the phrase ‘good night, sleep tight.’

·         If a statue in the park of a person on horseback has both legs of the horse on the air, the person died in battle

·         If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

·         In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden ……and the word GOLF entered into the English language.

FROM A KELLY AUTOGRAPH BOOK, 1908

The world is full of willing people,
Some willing to work
Others willing to let them.

---------------
We judge ourselves by what we are capable of doing; while others judge us by what we have already done.

Editor: Still relevant 112 years later.

All this talk of COVID-19 is depressing. Look below some better lab results >>

Better Lab Results

AFL UPDATE

We should spend a few moments to also consider the AFL members & supporters who will be lost as the AFL season implodes. One hates to think that the AFL may be forced to cancel the entire season, like they did to the women (who were on the cusp of the grand final). The cancellation was expected as Carlton were expected to walk away with the flag – so cancellation was the only option.

Does anyone want to guess what would happen if the season was cancelled and we had a gap for 2020. Good trivia question in 85 years! At least we could have a Brownlow and Coleman winner, although we could have heaps of both – including a Carlton guy for the Coleman.

In the interests of fairness, if footy fans (or otherwise) want to contribute alternate arguments then I commit to publishing them in a future edition. Footy can be defined as any sport that involved a ball. Could be fun.

SHOPPING ONLINE

With social isolation online shopping has to be all the go. Can we start a discussion around:

·         Have you tried it?

·         How was it?
·         Are there pitfalls, and what are they?
·         Who did you shop with?

ALARMING CUSTOMS DISCOVERY            DC

Customs officers have seized 10,000 toilet rolls concealed in a shipment of cocaine.

A COUPLE of CRYPTIC POSERS                    JC

Emulate bird leaving behind chedule. 
Answer: LATE  (leave behind bird = Emu,  and you are left with LATE.

Two elves missing, so leaving adozen. 
Answer: TWELVE  (so taken from two elves).

Col transferred, with little hesitation, to become substitute hysician. 
Answer:  LOCUM (Col transferred = loc; plus um = hesitation

SOME IDEAS
There are lots of things to do online if you are computer inclined, such as these found on the following link:
https://www.racv.com.au/royalauto/living/at-home/things-to-do-home-self-isolation.html?mid=2345455&edm_id=edm:racv_enews&cmpid=edm:racv_enews


PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

 

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue.

Click here to go to the previous issue.

Click here to go to the Table of Contents.

*** End of Issue NO 3  ***

Issue No 2 - Friday 27 March 2020

ISSUE 2 EDITORIAL

Hello again. I have been amazed and over-whelmed by the level of support and feedback. Thank you to the people who responded positively, and who responded with articles and humour.

Thank you to the people who provided a suggested meaning for the Silly acronym. These will be included below, with a result after everyone has had a chance to respond. A special thank you to the people who thought that such a newsletter idea was worthwhile.

I have dropped Kelly from the newsletter name as it is not about me. It is about you, your health and the width of your smiles.

Editor Chris

SOME RULES

I am very sensitive to privacy considerations. Therefore, the following rules will apply, and may be adjusted as my solicitor provides feedback:

1.       I will not use your name to acknowledge prizes or articles inserted unless you have given me permission in writing.

2.       I will use your initials to acknowledge the same stuff unless you ask me not to.

3.       Points will be awarded for articles and prizes.

4.       I have the final say in awarding of points and prizes.

5.       No correspondence will be entered into regarding points 3, 4 and 5.

ZOOM

Less than one week ago I was made aware of video conferencing software called ZOOM. I know for certain that ZOOM works on a windows PC, an iPad and a smartphone.

My daughter and financial adviser have been using it for some time, to access remote clients. 
Today I used it (over 4 sessions) to talk to our financial adviser, daughters, grandsons, grand-daughters and mates of a daughter.

If you have family or friends who you wish to have a video chat with maybe give it a go. If you love and use SKYPE maybe stay with that product.

If you are not quite computer literate let me know and I will try to help. We may even have a tutorial in a future edition.

 

SILLY ACRONYM

The following have been submitted for consideration:
Self Isolated Living Large Yes                             MC
Serious Isolators Last Longer YES                       BB
Social Isolation Living (the) Life Yeah                 NJ
Simple Isolation Ludicrously Long Year           MH
Strong Independent Letter Loving Yobbo      MG
Self Isolation Lovers Love Yellow                        CK

Thank you to those people. Please advise your favourite. There could be more. I hope so.

CORONAVIRUS UNEMPLOYMENT BLUES    JM

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS – Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

CIRCULATION

If you know someone who would get a smile from this newsletter please feel free to pass copies on to them.

I have not considered how to access past copies. However, if this need arises I probably have the time to consider doing something about it. Editor

FROM AN AUTOGRAPH BOOK                      JM

Never trouble trouble
Till trouble troubles you
You’ll only double trouble
And trouble others too.

-------------

It’s hard to part when friends are dear
And the heart is full of hope;
But it’s harder still to find the towel
When your eyes are full of soap.

-------------

Little drops of water
Wear away the rock.
Little bits of toe nail
Wear away the sock.

-------------

When you get married
And hubby is cross
Just pick up the poker
And say “I’m the boss”.

-------------

Love many, trust few,
Always paddle your own canoe.

-------------

Little dog, crossing street,
Speeding car, Sausage meat.

-------------

2 y’s u r,
2 y’s u b,
I c u r
2 y’s 4 me

-------------

1 1 was a racehorse,
2 2 was 1 2.
1 1 1 1 race,
2 2 1 1 2.

-------------

Honeymoon salad. Lettuce alone!!

Editor: Maybe a few more people could drag out their autograph book and send along a few ditties.

 

FAMILY HISTORY

Have you ever told yourself that you would like to track down which side of the family Aunty Maude came from, or learn why Thomas Henry Jones was called Uncle Dick, maybe now is a good time to try and get the answers.

Have you ever looked at the back of an old photo and read the caption “Pat and me”, and then wondered who “Pat” and “me” were.

Well get the old photos out and try to find out who “me” was.

VEGIE GARDEN 
Maybe it is a good time to turn over the vegie garden and plant a few winter vegies. Perhaps see if Bunnings will home deliver a few seedlings. I bet the rhubarb needs breaking into a few clumps.

Maybe send the editor some words on garden activities for the winter – for publication.

PHOTOBOOKS

Let’s be honest now. Who has all of their photos organised in photo albums and/or photobooks? I said – be honest.
Do you want to create your first photobook, or your 21^st? Maybe now is the time.

Do you want a tutorial on “how to create a photobook” in this publication?

ACTIVITIES – Bee House

Shirley now has her bee house. A bee house is apparently an artificial nesting structure that mason bees, and other solitary bees, can use to lay their eggs.
 

Bee House

 
NGV KIDS                                                        LT

Maybe check out the following link to find new ways to be creative at home with our online resources. Sorry about the length of the URL.

https://www.ngv.vic.gov.au/kids/?utm_source=wordfly&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=TonyeMail-March22&utm_content=version_A&promo=11186

Alternatively, open ngv.vic.gov.au and do a search for kids. Then click on that link.

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

 

Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊

Please:

Click here to go to the next issue.

Click here to go to the previous issue.

Click here to go to the Table of Contents.

***** End of Issue No 2 ***