EDITORIAL
Hello again. The amount of COVID-19
humour floating around the world is simply amazing. I hope we don’t get sick of
it as there is not much else to laugh about at the moment.
There is also some good serious stuff and I particularly like
the image below.
Shirley and I are well into the second week
of our (near) self isolation. We have been balancing our time on things both
inside and outside the house. Our green
garden-waste bin is very full and has the same amount of greenery in tubs
nearby.
If you have an emergency need to visit us, do
not wear green or brown, in case Shirley is lurking with secateurs. 😊
I think we are getting close to the time when
we need to do some online shopping. Shirley is resisting the idea, but I am
ready to go. I personally believe that it should be mandatory for all who are
capable or doing it. However, it would be hard to police. ☹
Around 2 weeks ago a very small percentage
had heard of ZOOM, the video conferencing software. Now it is getting mentioned
on the news, in the press, and by many who need to have a “face-to-face” chat.
Shopping can also be learned.
I am getting
close to the time when I will need to clean out my shed – so things must be
getting desperate.
Please note that the BLOG has a page for "Stop Press" for ongoing news and tips. This is updated on an as required basis.
Please note that the BLOG has a page for "Stop Press" for ongoing news and tips. This is updated on an as required basis.
Editor Chris
NEWS UPDATE
1. Mexico is asking Trump to hurry up and build the wall NOW!
2.
Government Advice: To the people who bought 20 bottles of soap
leaving none of the shelves for others, you do realise that to stop getting
Coronavirus, you need other people washing their hands too.
3.
Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the
Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80
kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic
purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
4.
Carlton AFL supporters are pretty chuffed, as their team is only
one game off the top of the ladder (plus percentage).
THE FUNERAL
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she notices a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she notices a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"Well, that first hearse is for my
husband."
"What happened to him?"
"My dog attacked and killed him."
"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two Women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two Women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
MORE AUTOGRAPH BOOK ENTRIES
May the lad you take for life
Prove as faithful as his wife;
Whether his eyes be brown or blue,
May they always shine – on you.
Easter 1908
Prove as faithful as his wife;
Whether his eyes be brown or blue,
May they always shine – on you.
Easter 1908
Dolls are made for girls to play
with
Not for men to marry.
17/4/1908
Not for men to marry.
17/4/1908
SOME FRACTURED NURSERY RHYMES DR
Little miss Muffet she sat on her tuffet, eating
her curds and whey
Along came a spider who sat down beside her
Along came a spider who sat down beside her
Causing Miss Muphet to say
Rack of hairy legs
-------------------
Simple Simon met a Pieman,
Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What do you have there
Said the Pieman to Simple
Simon
Pies stupid
-------------------
Mary had a little lamb
the Doctors where surprised
But when old MacDonald
had a farm;
they couldn't believe their
eyes.
JOKES JC
A fishing inspector came across an old chap on a jetty
with 10 small snapper swimming around in a bucket of water.
“All those fish are
undersize”, said the inspector. “I’m going to fine you $20 a fish”.
“No, no,” replied the chap,
“these are my pet fish. I bring them down for a swim once a day, then I
whistle, and they come back, and I take them home. Let me show you .”
So the man dumps all the
fish into the sea.
After a few minutes, the
inspector ask, “OK, how long?”
“How long what?” replied the
old fellow.
“How long till you call the
fish back?”
“What fish?”
----------------------
A
plane with 5 passengers on board – Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Jacinda Adern,
the Pope, and a 10 year old schoolgirl – is about to crash, and there are only
4 parachutes.
Trump
says, “I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA, and I’m needed to solve the
pandemic!” He takes one parachute and jumps.
Johnson says, ”I’m needed to sort out the COVID-19 mess
in Britain.” He takes one and jumps.
The Pope says, “The world’s
Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear.” He takes one and jumps.
“You can have my parachute,”
Jacinda says to the 10 year old, “I’ve lived a good part of my life. Yours is
only just beginning.”
The little girl replies,
“Don’t worry, there are still 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA
just took my school bag.”
LIMERICK JC
Our Shirl loves to lie in
her bed
And has from the time she was wed.
And has from the time she was wed.
She
reads a good book
Receives
a snack from the cook
Then
rises after she’s fed.
QUIZ JC
1.
On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or
the bottom?
2.
How many States are there in Australia?
3.
In which hand is the Statue of Liberty’s torch?
4.
Which 2 numbers on the telephone dial do not have letters
alongside them?
5.
How may matches are in a standard box?
6.
How many stars are there on the Australian flag?
7.
How many curves are there in a regular paper clip?
8.
Which way does water go down a drain, clockwise or
anti-clockwise?
The
answer will be in the next edition.
A FEW LINES BY A BASHFUL POET JM
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Honey is sweet,
And so are you.
Close clings the ivy to the vine,
So in my heart I’ll cling to thee.
Little boy went to sea,
Met a shark,
R.I.P.
In your chain of friendship,
Consider me a link.
One night I did dream
To Heaven I did go
“Where do you come from?”
They wanted to know.
“I come from St Helena Probus.”
My, how they did stare!
“Come in,” said St Peter,
“You’re the first one from there!”
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone
a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is still after a cuddle. 😊
The bear is still after a cuddle. 😊
Please:
Click here to go to the previous issue.
Click here to go to the Table of Contents.
Click here to go to the Table of Contents.
*** End of Issue No 5 ***
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