INTRO
This could be the penultimate issue – maybe not. Let’s see what Christmas brings. It would be nice to get to 60 issues.
I trust that you are all able to do some COVID-safe Christmas shopping, and perhaps attend some pre-Christmas festive gatherings. I wonder how many of you are doing extra online shopping this year, when compared to previous years.
Lawn bowls is back into full swing. Sanitising is common, social distancing is not. Most people seem too scared to couch or sneeze – or we are healthier than usual.
I would love to have some photos of your Christmas trees and/or decorations for the Christmas edition next week. If you have a special Christmas greeting that you would like in the next issue send it along and we will see how we go. Closing time for all of the above is COB Monday.
Gordon Lightfoot - The Best Live Clips - 1960s and 1970s
I had maybe 4 or 5 of his albums in the 70’s. Some memories here for fans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS1vHfhZNJs
EAGLES FAREWELL (Melbourne)
Some good music here for Eagles fans – nearly 100 minutes of it…………….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8QCkhzMkLI
LONGER JOKE
A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a 'slide-rule' and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said that he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorised many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."
"They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
EMOJI FILM QUIZ
For anyone who’s bored here’s an emoji quiz - guess the film...
1. ☕ 💎💎💎
2. 🔕 🐑 🐑 🐑
3. 👦 👧 🌂 👜 🇬🇧
4. 👨💬🐴
5. 👮 📮👴📝
6. 🍅 🍅 ✳ 🍳
7. 💭📝👘
8. 👨👨 ⛺ 🗻
9. 👮 🚘 👵 🌼
10. 🔎🐠
11. 💏 ⭕ ❄
12. 🐦🐦🐦🐦📄
13. 👽☝📞🏠
14. 🔫🔍👨🎩
15. 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻😎
16. ✳ 👹 😺 🐴
17. 👳 📺 💵 💵
18. 🍔 🍟 👨 🚑
19. 🐭 🚗
20. 💰 🏃💨
21. 🎓 👄
22. 🎨 💰
23. 🎥 🏃 🌲🌲
24. 🕑 🕒 🕓 🕔
25. 🌴 🐒 👨
26. 👴 💍💍
27. 👀 👅 👂 ✋ 👃 6⃣
28. 🎈🏡 👴 👦
29. 📩 💑
30. 🎶 🇫🇷 😩 😂
31. 👫 🔫 🔫
32. 🐻 ❤ 🍻 » 🚬
33. 🛀🔪
34. ⏰📆⏰📆⏰📆⏰📆
35. 🚶🏃✈️
36. 😈👗👠
37. 👴👵❤
38. 👦 👐 ✂ ✂
39. 🌗 💑 🐺
40. 😄😄😢😢
41. 💍💍💍💍💀
42. 👻 👻 🔫
43. 🔓👀
44. 🇬🇧👆🌄👇🗻
45. 😌 😠 👺
46. 🌊 👈
47. 💻 💊
48. 💃🐺🐺
49. ☁☁☁🐵🐵☁☁☁
50. 🚲 🚲 ☀
51. 📬 🚪💥 ✊✊
52. 👟👞👡👠👢
53. 🔓🐬
54. 💩💃
55. 🐦 🔫
56. 🍂🍁🗽
57. 👇👳
58. 🚶☁☁☁
59. 👦 🍞 🍷
60. 👳 🚣 🐅
Sorry, I don’t have the answers……….
AN AD FOR AN AUSSIE HOLIDAY
Outback Queensland poet Veronica Weal from Mount Isa wrote a beautiful long form poem 'THE SPIRITS OF THE OUTBACK' describing the bountiful beauty and wonder of regional Australia.
Outback Queensland Tourism Association has taken an excerpt from Ms Weal's poem to welcome back travellers to our beautiful part of Australia. to our beautiful part of Australia.
You’re an Aussie, so you reckon.
Follow where the Spirits beckon!
See the kangaroos go bounding.
Hear the thump of tails resounding!
Go and see the wide horizons
as the dusty tracks unwind!
Take your car and dare to travel
over western dust and gravel.
Feel the sense of isolation
when the city’s far behind!
Go and see the sunset glowing
where the coolabahs are growing.
See the distant mountains shimmer
in the hazy mid-day simmer.
See the wide blue vaulted heavens
where the wedge-tailed eagles fly.
See a windmill silhouetted up against a sunset sky.
When the blackened billy’s boiling and
the campfire smoke is coiling,
See the sparks that dance like fireflies
as they float into the night!
Go to sleep, when day has ended,
‘neath the Southern Cross, suspended
Like a precious jewel above you,
with its pure and lustrous light!
Do not sit at home stagnating
when Australia is waiting!
Meet the people unassuming!
See the golden wattle blooming!
Go and see the “vision splendid”
that “The Banjo” wrote about!
Leave your comfort zone behind you!
Let the Spirits of the Outback
live forever in your heart!
Editor: I fully support the sentiments in the above words.
DIRE STRAITS - SULTANS OF SWING
Some great music here for fans…………….
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Because my name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in, at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci, sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you, actually, pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So, the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
LIFE IS LIKE THAT – TRUE STORIES
ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So, I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So, I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left).
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener.
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is after a cuddle.
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