C19 "Silly" Newsletter: Issue No 58 - Wednesday 23 December

INTRO

Christmas is merely hours away. Our entire team of reporters, camera-people, page designers, web developers, editors and printers wish you a happy and enjoyable Christmas – in whatever way you love to do Christmas.

Let’s all hope that 2021 is a much better year than 2020. Some of our loved ones may struggle.

Let’s help them in whatever way we can.

We start this issue with some Christmas music, some of it a bit different to what you may expect.

Most of our Christmas memes, in this issue, have come from Bob.

Thanks Bob, have a great Christmas.

Also, a special thank you to my many other supporters and the contributors at the end of this issue.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC

A GREAT CHRISTMAS SONG

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5mdybeyLVc&list=RD9yN-6PbqAPM&index=6

SILENT NIGHT

This is different. Try playing it up loud and keeping your hands and feet still – particularly if you like the piano.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-MpEn8Nyc4

JINGLE BELLS – CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA

An oldie but a goodie……………..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnJ8jsw4BSo

ANDREA BOCELLI – JINGLE BELLS

This is definitely different, but cute and very Christmassy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tk9wuADoxA

and because I love Andrea Bocelli……………….

ANDREA BOCELLI -SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMvFqy9_RUo

The above two images are from Aussie farms

LIFE IS LIKE THAT – MORE TRUE STORIES

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lie down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. A Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should

be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him into emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I am reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...

MUSIC - Do You Hear What I Hear

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZpzv_IDOP8

MUSIC - Christmas Caroling Flash Mob The First Noel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rU7BCH9i-oY

Irish Divorce?

A man in Ireland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell, they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

ImageShe calls Ireland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way!"

GOD & LAWN CARE

You will chuckle as you read this .... Because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS: Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

‎ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

‎ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

‎GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

‎ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

‎GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

‎ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

‎GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

‎GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

‎ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

ImageGOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

‎ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis…

ENGLISH – A WONDERFUL LANGUAGE

⦁ An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

⦁ I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.

⦁ I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

⦁ Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

⦁ I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

⦁ My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

⦁ My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.

⦁ A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

⦁ I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm!

I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards....

SOME GREAT QUOTES

⦁ No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you, are how you treat people ultimately tells all.

⦁ If I man expects a woman to be an Angel in his life, he must first create heaven for her. Angels don't live in hell .

⦁ I don't trust anyone who's nice to me but rude to the waiter, because they would treat me the same way if I were in that position - Muhammad Ali

ImageIn life it's important to know when to stop arguing with people and simply let them be wrong.

⦁ Don't trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar.

⦁ A ship is always safe at shore but that is not what it's built for - Albert Einstein.

⦁ A smart person knows what to say. A wise person knows whether to say it or not.

⦁ Many people think that patience is a sign of weakness. I think this is a mistake. It is anger that is a sign of weakness whereas patience is a sign of strength.

⦁ A saint was asked – “what is anger?” He gave a beautiful answer – “it is a punishment we give to ourself for somebody else's mistake”.

⦁ Any fool can know. The point is to understand - Albert Einstein

⦁ I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots - Albert Einstein

Politicians should wear sponsor jackets like NASCAR drivers, then we know who owns them - Robin Williams

⦁ In America they call it lobbying. Everywhere else in the world they call it “bribery and corruption”.

⦁ When the debate is lossed slander becomes a tool of the losers - Socrates

⦁ Complaining about a problem without posing a solution is called whining - Teddy Roosevelt

⦁ Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown, blame yourself for going to the circus.

⦁ Spend time with your elders – not everything can be found on Google.

⦁ I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of the trees, and plastic bags was the answer.

READER CONTRIBUTIONS

The following have been submitted by readers

and I thank them for their Christmas contributions. Special thanks to David, Heather, Keren and Fay for sharing your special photos.

Above: A Tree of Plenty in Plenty

Below: Something Special in Eltham

The Scottish aunties of a reader gave her this musical tree (it plays Silent Night) when she finished primary school (aged 12) – many years ago. Photo below.

It has been part of their traditional Christmas house decorations every year since then and still has some of the original old decorations hanging on it. Some small lights have been added as well. Very much loved and enjoyed each year.