SOME PERSPECTIVE
We start this issue with a sobering photo. It is not my photo, but it is a reminder of what happened to parts of Australia over the last summer.
As we try to cope with the COVID crisis we should not forget our fellow Aussies who are still struggling with the effects of the fires.
Please take the time to think of them, and our fauna, and our flora ……..
EDITORIAL
I received an email from a great mate last week, who wrote: Mary (name changed) needs help. She is looking for her bundle. She thinks she dropped it somewhere.
I totally cracked up when I read it. Like the rest of us Mary is struggling a bit, but humour came to the fore in a time of struggle.
Well done Mary. Let’s all follow Mary’s example and use humour whenever we can.
If you have any similar tales that can be published please let me know. 12 If you need an extra Silly now and then please let me know.
By the way I will let you know if Mary finds her bundle.
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
⦁ Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
⦁ A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
⦁ Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them…They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
⦁ When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
⦁ They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
⦁ They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
⦁ Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
⦁ They wear glasses and funny underwear.
⦁ They can take their teeth and gums out.
⦁ Grandparents don't have to be smart.
⦁ They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
⦁ When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
⦁ Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
⦁ They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
⦁ GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
⦁ It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
LARRY
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
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Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
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The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
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Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom .....
DEFINITIONS OF "OLD"
#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of OLD"!
#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Woolworths.
"Woolworths?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Woolworths?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
POSTSCRIPT
By the way Mary found her bundle and has her Mojo back – which is well and good because it is her (special) birthday next week. Happy Birthday Mary.
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 12
Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from you?
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is after a cuddle.
*** End of Issue No 33 ***
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