EDITORIAL
As the
western suburbs of Melbourne struggle with a new wave of COVID-19, I trust that
you are all staying safe. We know that many of our fellow residents are being
silly and maybe naive.
We know that
it is hard to do, but every bit of isolation and social distancing helps.
The news
today that all of metropolitan Melbourne is soon to enter virtual lockdown
stresses that we need to take this very seriously.
We also all need to consider friends and family who may need extra consideration or a phone call.
Chris
McDONALDS
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady in the car behind me leaned on her horn because she thought that I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.
So when I got to the first window........ I paid for her order ...along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window .....I showed them both receipts ....and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over. !!!
Don't honk your horn at old people !!
SOME PUNS
A couple of these may have appeared before.
⦁ Finland has just closed their borders. No one will be crossing the finish line.
⦁ So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.
⦁ Due to the quarantine I will only be telling inside jokes.
⦁ Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people.
⦁ There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033, we shall witness the quarenteens.
⦁ The World Health Organsation has announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
⦁ Why do they call it the novel cononavirus? It’s a long story ……………..
⦁ I’ll tell you a cononavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
⦁ I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
⦁ What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The Wurst Kase scenario.
⦁ The grocery store in France looks like tornados hit them. All that’s left is de brie.
TOMATO PATCH
An old gentleman lived on his own in a suburb of Melbourne. He wanted to plant his annual tomato patch but it was very difficult work because the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in high-security prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament as follows:
"Dear Vincent. I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year as I am getting too old to dig the earth. I know that if you were here my troubles would be over because you would be happy to do the digging for me like in the old days.
Love Papa
A letter came back from his son:
"Dear Papa. Don't try to dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie".
At 4.00am the next morning a huge number of local police arrived at the old man's home, produced a warrant and dug up the entire garden area but found no bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
The following day another note arrived from the son: "Dear Papa. Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do in the circumstances".
Love you, Vincent".
GALL WASP – GARDENING AUSTRALIA
There was a very interesting segment on the gall wasp on Gardening Australia recently. If you love your citrus tree and have gall wasp issues check it out on iView – or the link below.
A GREAT FATHER’S DAY STORY
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, "Happy Father’s Day”!
MORE IRISH
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“Aye, it’s all going like magic,” says Jock.
“I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night”.
Archie nods approvingly.
“Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
And what’s the tartan?”
“Ach,” says Jock, “I imagine she’ll be in white.”
-----------oOOo-(
)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, "I'M A LIGHT BULB! .. I'M A LIGHT BULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home".
So, he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
----------oOOo-(
)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said, "I don't think that's her; she wasn't that tall!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says, "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from you?
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is after a cuddle.
*** End of Issue No 32 ***
No comments:
Post a Comment