StrongLY Independent LIFE Loving Yobbo
EDITORIAL
The “Silly” started with a bang having three issues per week for a short while. Then we settled down to two per week.
This is issue No 25, 66 days after the first issue. Despite many local newspapers closing down or moving away from the print version, we have pressed on.
So we have averaged about 2.6 issues per week. Our income over that time has not changed, neither up or down. Our share price has not moved.
However, economical and time issues eventually catches up with us all.
The editorial team is sad to announce that the Silly will be confined to ONCE per week, probably somewhere around the middle of the week.
ISOLATION $ SAVINGS
A number of readers have recently advised how they have spent their time in isolation contacting their providers of electricity, gas, phone, internet, insurances (such as health insurance) etc and have ended up with a cheaper plan and scored some savings.
So if you are bored or unhappy with cost of any of your services maybe pick up the phone and have a chat to your supplier(s). If unsuccessful it will at least fill in some time. If you have a mortgage or any loans maybe contact those people and see how you go.
I do not expect any commission.
RAPUNZEL
We should all know the story of Rapunzel and her famous hair. Did you know that Rapunzel was locked in the tower for 18 years and the kingdom she was living in was called Corona?
Rapunzel was maybe the first to introduce social distancing. Things that Rapunzel did to while away the time included:
⦁ sweep till the floor's all clean
⦁ polish
⦁ wax
⦁ do laundry
⦁ mop & shine up
⦁ sweep again
⦁ read a book or maybe 2 or 3
⦁ add a few new paintings to her gallery
⦁ play guitar
⦁ knit
⦁ cook
⦁ wondered when her life may begin.
Food for thought there?
NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Alternative meanings for common words:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle 👎, olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon 👎, a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The above is from the Washington Post, who also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
⦁ -Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
⦁ of breaking down in the near future.
⦁ -Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
⦁ -Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
⦁ -Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
⦁ -Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
⦁ Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
⦁ Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
⦁ Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
GOLFERS LAMENT
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry.
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It straight And Far..
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up..
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT THESE LOGOS THE SAME WAY, AGAIN...
Do you see the arrow between the "E" and "x" (in white)?
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The 2nd and 3rd "T's" are two people sharing (or fighting over) a tortilla and a bowl of salsa.
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The world's most famous bike race. The "R" in "Tour" is a cyclist. The yellow circle is the front wheel of a bicycle, the "O" is the back wheel.
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The arrow means Amazon has everything
from A to Z
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There is a dancing bear above the "ble".
Toblerone chocolate bars originated in Berne, Switzerland, whose symbol is the bear.
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See the " 31" embedded in the " BR"?
Thirty-one-derful flavors!
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See the gorilla and lioness (in white)
facing each other?
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The smiley half face is also a 'g".
==================================
CHARLIE
Prince Charles went to visit his mother at Buck Palace. As he reached the end of the drive in his Range Rover, he chose to turn ready to leave. When he backed a bit, he didn’t notice that he backed over one of the corgis. When he got out and saw the damage, he said “My God, what have I done. I wish I could undo all that. What am I going to tell Mummy”.
With that, a Leprechaun suddenly appeared on the scene and had seen what had happened. “Charles”, he said, “what can I do to help. Maybe if I give you one wish”. “That would be wonderful”, said Charles , “do you think you could bring Mummy’s dog back to life”. The leprechaun picked up and had a good look at the corgi. “Ohh, I’m not sure I can help”, he said , “Maybe you can have a second wish”. Charles thought for a moment and said, “Well then, can you make Camilla beautiful?” The leprechaun thought for a moment and said, “Let me have a second look at the corgi”.
Dear Tech Support
The Guy's Version
Dear (IT) Technical Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?
Joe
Answer From Technical
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Attorneys Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Regards, Technical support
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I hope that has clarified everything for you.
Editor
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| A new version of a famous photo |
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PLEASE
REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly
one who is a good listener.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊
*** End of Issue No 25 ***
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