StrongLY Independent LIFE Loving Yobbo
EDITORIAL
As we tick over two months of our “strange new world” I wonder what the future brings. Those with booked holidays (including us) must be wondering IF and WHEN? If we get positive answers to both we then ask “should we”?
Worrying about the the future that currently has no form of guarantee is not going to help, so let’s try and make the best of a weird lot.
If anyone wants to contribute to the “Silly” please feel free. Many of you have in the form of lotsa humour and great Silly contributions.
Maybe someone can pen a few words on how they are coping. Who is (secretly) breaking the rules? Who has tried new recipes? Who is cooking for maybe the first time?
Who has played with a drone, or a 3D printer? What is the biggest fish that you have kissed – or missed?
Over to you ………………
THIS IS A GEM
Your mind is a garden,
your thoughts are the seeds.
You can grow flowers
or you can grow weeds.
Don't forget to water it!
GROWTH OF FAST FOOD CHAINS
This should be a compulsory subject for all budding financial planners! The animated graphic tells the growth of fast food chains over past 50 years.
https://public.flourish.studio/visualisation/1160235/
THE TRUCKIE
A truckie walks into an outback Cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What's yours?’
‘Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.’
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘Sounds great, I'll have the same.’
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man..`
‘ Same for me,’ says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’
“Well, love” says the truckie, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That's brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”
“That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.” says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, “What's with the bloody emu?”
The truckie pauses, sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.”
THESE MAY BE REPEATS – BUT ARE WORTH A SMILE
⦁ Turns out my top 3 hobbies are: eating at restaurants, going to nonessential businesses, touching my face.
⦁ People keep asking “is coronavirus really that serious?” Listen up! Casinos and churches are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious!
⦁ Cops these days will be like…come out with your hands washed!
⦁ I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
⦁ And just like that…having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting and rope in your trunk is OK.
⦁ 50 million children being home schooled by gun owning parents and not one single school mass shooting. Arming teachers works!!!
⦁ I can’t believe I can walk into a store to buy weed, but I have to meet my hairdresser in a dark alley with unmarked bills to get a haircut!
⦁ Have to say that the Class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year!
⦁ With so many sporting events cancelled, they’re having to televise the World Origami Championship…It’s on Paperview.
⦁ Sitting at the bar in the kitchen at night. Tried to pick up my wife. She gave me a fake phone number. WTH…
⦁ It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for three weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for fifteen years.
⦁ Have you noticed that since beauty salons are closed, selfies are down 68%?
DEAR TECH SUPPORT
The Lady's Version
This item was submitted by a reader, who found it on a 3.5” floppy disk. The men’s response comes later.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!! What can I do?
Desperate
Answer from Technical:
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
MORE INTERSTING BITS & PIECES
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime-time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Everyday more money is printed for Monopoly than for the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
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Each King in a deck of playing cards represents a great King from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
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Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the
letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence, the phrase...'Goodnight; sleep tight.'
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'It's where we get the phrase 'Mind your P's and Q's'
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener.
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊😊 😊
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊😊 😊
*** End of Issue No 24 ***
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