Soon I LASSO LEMON
‘YACHT
EDITORIAL
From adversity, can come humour. As I guess all of you know technology failed me on Tuesday and you all got 8 emails from me, one being an apology. The following shows some of the responses that I received:
⦁ I was one of them.
⦁ Oh was that the problem. I thought you were providing for my short term memory lapses!
⦁ Thanks for the explanation re the newsletter. Thought my computer might have been in a repetitive mood. However, I checked each copy for mistakes. (To be sure, to be sure)
⦁ After number six I realised I had read them before.
⦁ Hey! why did I only get one apology?
⦁ Glad you clarified that. Fortunately I had only read 3.
⦁ I’m one of those to have received the Silly 7 times but not to worry, I’ll read one, my wife can read another one and I’ll distribute the other five to family and friends.
⦁ No need to apologise, it made me feel better about all the times I have managed to stuff up emails!
The others cannot be included here.
You guys have bounced the humour back to me – and that made my day. Great responses. I loved it.
According to Telstra there is a fault on our line and they have ‘promised’ to fix it by 7pm today. So it should be fixed by the time you read this.
Thank your for your responses.
Only one person admitted to knowing about Peck’s Dam.
Chris
SENIOR OBSERVATIONS.....
⦁ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
⦁ If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!"... most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
⦁ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
⦁ To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.
⦁ When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.
⦁ Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk, You get in."
⦁ I've had my patience tested. I'm negative.
⦁ If you're sitting in public, and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
⦁ Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.
⦁ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
⦁ I run like the winded.
⦁ I don't remember much from last night. But the fact that I need sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
⦁ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
⦁ I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
⦁ It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
⦁ Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend thirty seconds in my head, that will freak you right out.
⦁ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
CARN THE WOODS
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules and is sufficiently impressed to arrange for him to come over to Collingwood. He is signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for a full pre-season.
Two weeks into the home and away season however, the Magpies are down by six goals against Carlton and only 10 minutes left on the clock. Nathan Buckley decides that with the game already lost, it is a good time to give the Iraqi kid a run; and what a decision it proves to be. The kid is an instant sensation - he kicks seven goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Magpies.
The fans are thrilled, his team mates love him, the coaches are delighted, and the press falls in love with this new superstar.
When he finally gets away from the adoring masses and makes it to the change rooms, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. “I played for 10 minutes today, we were six goals down, but I booted seven goals . . . and won the game for us. Everybody loves me; the fans, the media…”
"Wonderful" says his mum interrupting him.
"Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and is in a serious condition, I was ambushed and beaten and robbed, your sister was raped, and your brother has joined a drug gang; and all the while you were having such a great time playing a game."
The young Iraqi is very upset and says "What can I say Mum? I'm so very, very sorry."
"Sorry, you're sorry?" she screams into the phone . . .. . . It's your bloody fault we shifted to Collingwood in the first place!"
ONE LINERS
I think some or all of these have been used before, but they still bring a smile:
⦁ I didn't even know Grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house!
⦁ The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
⦁ A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
⦁ I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
⦁ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
⦁ I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
⦁ I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
⦁ I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
⦁ I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
⦁ Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
⦁ My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
⦁ Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
⦁ I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
⦁ My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
⦁ A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
⦁ Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
⦁ Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
⦁ A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
⦁ The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
⦁ Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
⦁ Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Ode from Pam Ayres during the Corona Virus
I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates.
You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died.
They'll never know the things we did Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook So not everything was told.
We may seem sweet old ladies Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60s - If you only knew the truth!
There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied And were quite outrageous flirts.
Then we settled down, got married And turned into someone's mum, Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?
We didn't mind the change of pace Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead Is like a red rag to a bull!
So here you find me stuck inside For four weeks, maybe more I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!
It didn’t really bother me I'd while away the hour I'd bake for all the family But I've got no flaming flour!
Now Netflix is just wonderful I like a gutsy thriller I'm swooning over Idris Or some random sexy killer.
At least I've got a stash of booze For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin If I'm feeling suicidal!
So let's all drink to lockdown To recovery and health And hope this awful virus Doesn't decimate our wealth.
We'll all get through the crisis And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide To fit through the flaming gates!
A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON CORONA.
1. There are no bombs raining on our heads.
2. I am not a prisoner held in solitary confinement, as millions are.
3. I am not a refugee trying to escape with my life.
4. I am not standing in line waiting to fill a pot of water.
5. I have access to fresh food and I'm not starving.
6. I have hot running water.
7. My country has not been ruined by years of war.
8. I can reach my friends by phone and check in on them.
9. My friends check in on me because they care about me.
10. Any whiplash I feel about this strange turn of events is itself a sign of privilege.
11. More than half of the world would gladly trade their everyday problems for the modest inconveniences I am experiencing.
12. I may have anxious dreams but I'm dreaming them on a proper bed and I'm not sleeping on the sidewalk.
13. By staying at home, I'm helping the planet rest.
14. As long as I have my mind I can create, imagine, dream and not be lonely.
15. This global crisis connects me to people around the world and reminds me of our common humanity. This is a good thing.
16. When something tragic happens to another country next time, I will respond to it not with superiority, but humility and recognition.
17. I will fight for positive changes and economically just policies in my own country.
18. I am surrounded by books.
19. I am surrounded by love.
20. The trees have already begun to bloom.
Everyone Stay safe & Stay healthy
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener.
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊😊 😊
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊😊 😊
*** End of Issue No 23 ***
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