C19 "Silly" Newsletter: Issue No 22

Soon I LASSO LEMON ‘YACHT

EDITORIAL

Shirley and I try to walk most days, always around the local area. A few days ago, we found a park that we have never set foot in. It had a sign that advised of other local parks and the flora and fauna that are residents of those parks.
One day later we found another one of those ‘parks’ – a place called “Pecks Dam Reserve”.

We have lived in this area for 42 years – this month. So I have two questions:

1. Do you live in and know the north eastern suburbs of Melbourne such that you know of Pecks Dam?

2. Have you found similar gems on your own daily walk? Maybe let me know about what you have found.

Pecks Dam

I hope you are well and not overdoing the extra bit of “freedom”. We are taking it slow & easy until the end of May and continue to shop online (Woolworths, local greengrocer, Dan Murphy & Bunnings). Family is exempt from “taking it slow & easy”.

I look forward to returning to golf in June and bowls some time later.

Chris – Editor

THE AUSSIES ARE A PRACTICAL LOT!

Wait for the phone to ring for the voice mail. This is the alleged answering-machine message for the Maroochydore High School in Queensland, Australia.

Click here to hear the message

BUSINESS FAILURES:

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses:

⦁ The bra manufacturer has gone bust.
⦁ The specialist in submersibles has gone under.
⦁ The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
⦁ A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.
⦁ The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.
⦁ The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
⦁ The tarmac(asphalt) laying company has reached the end of the road.
⦁ The bread Company has run out of dough.
⦁ The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo.
⦁ The Chinese Restaurant has been taken away.
⦁ The shoe shop has had to put their foot down and given their staff the boot.
⦁ The launderette has been taken to the cleaners!
⦁ The pet shop has gone to the dogs.
⦁ The butcher's had the chop.
⦁ The vegeman is in a vegetative state.
⦁ The venetian blind shop has closed, so it's curtains for us all
⦁ The wall paper shop’s taken a pasting.
⦁ The florists are now pushing up the daisies.
⦁ The fish n chip shop has been battered.
⦁ The milkman's lost his bottle and finally, the bread man's toast.

DON'T LET THE OLD MAN IN

A couple of issues ago I mentioned the above song by Toby Keith. I thought that it would be worthwhile to include the words to the song. Here they are.

By Toby Keith

Don't let the old man in, I wanna leave this alone
Can't leave it up to him, he's knocking on my door
And I knew all of my life, that someday it would end
Get up and go outside, don't let the old man in
--------------
Many moons I have lived
My body's weathered and worn
Ask yourself how old you'd be
If you didn't know the day you were born
--------------
Try to love on your wife
And stay close to your friends
Toast each sundown with wine
Don't let the old man in
-----------------
Many moons I have lived
My body's weathered and worn
Ask yourself how old you'd be
If you didn't know the day you were born
---------------------
When he rides up on his horse
And you feel that cold bitter wind
Look out your window and smile
Don't let the old man in.

LOVE

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband and she says “I love you so much I don't know how I could ever live without you”.

Her husband asks “is it you or the wine talking?”
She replies “it's me talking to the wine”.

DEFINITION of a Friend

Someone who says nice things about you when you are not around.

BUYING GUINNESS

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"
The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings.”

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ???
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON.
WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

DONALD TRUMP MEETS WITH THE QUEEN.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well", says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good", says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to
speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure", says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognises General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.

Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.

"Sir, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."

Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

ONE LINERS

⦁ I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I’m so happy, because I live at number 67, so it's not too far to walk home afterwards. AND it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
⦁ Answering machine message: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
⦁ My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
⦁ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
⦁ Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.??
⦁ The irony of life is that by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
⦁ God made man before woman, so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
⦁ I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.??
⦁ Every morning is the dawn of a new error.?