Well
folks, this is it, the final edition of the Silly – 427 days after the
first issue. That is about 340 pages of silliness.
I
don’t know how many memes and jokes etc that I have seen, edited, laughed and
maybe cried at. I do know that I have watched over 700 videos. The censor
culled maybe 50% of the material, as I needed to make it a family friendly
document. I may have erred a few times, but I hope your offence was short
lived.
If
you have enjoyed the journey and feel guilty for not paying (say) 99 cents per
issue, perhaps you could ring someone who needs help, or chat to a person in
need, or give someone a COVID-safe hug.
I
have loved the journey but travels beckon and the start to the rest of our
lives.
I
must sincerely thank the many people who contributed the material – without
which we may have had 5 to 10 issues.
In
no particular order I thank Bob, Fay, Trish, Kaye, Yvonne, Bev, Peter, John,
Gill, Judith, Keren, Bruce, Robin and the many others who made me laugh. My
apologies to those not on the above list – and should be.
I
have produced four one-hundred-page photobooks – with less censorships. These
will be a lasting legacy of the fun that I had.
THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY
"Don't take criticism from
people
you would never go to for advice".
MUSIC
Brooks
& Dunn - Boot Scootin' Boogie
Let’s
finish the Silly with a bit of foot-tapping music.
Click here to watch and listen...
Alan Jackson - Livin'
On Love
Click here to listen and watch..
And
an interesting ad……
Click here to watch and listen ...
QUOTABLE
QUOTES
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower
than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re
cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you
done?” – George Carlin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way
to your house.” – George Carlin
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired
and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin
“To those of you who received honours, awards and
distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be
president of the United States.” – George W. Bush
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know
where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the
animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her
is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never
meet!” – Groucho Marx
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a
member.” – Groucho Marx
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury.” – Groucho Marx
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would
be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
“A judge is a law student who marks his own
examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken
“The two most common elements in the universe are
hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison
“It’s only when you look at an ant through a
magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into
flames.” – Harry Hill
THE CAT
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him
one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the
beast out and headed home.
When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.
He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always
beat him home.
One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of
town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he
thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost
and need directions."
AN ATHEIST IN
THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through
the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the
river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the
path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in
on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the
ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left
paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the
Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped. The bear froze. The
forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the
man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all
these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic
accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out
of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into
the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to
treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The
sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought
both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to
receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
MAGIC
A magician was working on a
cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the
magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle
of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding
the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of
Spades?"
The magician
was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's
parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. With the parrot of
course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day then another and another. After a week
the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where the hell is the boat?"
“Leave something for someone but don’t leave
someone for something.” – Enid Blyton
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have
died.” – Erma Bombeck
“Never have more children than you have car
windows.” – Erma Bombeck
“I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway
“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small
art.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is
too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La
Rochefoucauld
“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with
the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“I can’t understand why a person will take a year
to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.” – Fred Allen
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two
hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen
“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is
superior to all others because you were born in it.” –
George Bernard Shaw
“We learn from experience that men never learn
anything from experience.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made.
Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie
your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
THE TALL
HANDSOME STRANGER
A woman was
sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an
exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so
striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The
young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so
rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, ‘‘I’ll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 .
. . . . . on one condition.’’
(There are always
conditions)
Flabbergasted,
the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ‘‘You have to tell me
what you want me to do in just three words.’’ (Controlling huh?)
The woman
considered his proposition for a moment, then selected a $20 bill from her
purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked
deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said. . . .
‘‘Clean my
house.’’
BOBBY FULLER FOUR - I FOUGHT THE LAW
This song came out
when I was 16 – and it just as good now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgtQj8O92eI
THE HONEYCOMBS - HAVE I THE RIGHT
Another sixties
number, about the time I got my first kiss on a school bus. Or was that my
second?
It was somewhere near
Faraday – a famous town for other reasons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o83gLvDdSG8
DAVE CLARK FIVE - GLAD ALL OVER
While on a roll, let’s
do for three in a row – about the same era.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EipdAjhImrc
THE SEARCHERS "NEEDLES AND
PINS"
I could not help
myself. This is also worth a run.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugDXpdjmpgw
DON’T STOP
After nearly 50 years of
marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her
husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost
tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the
small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his
hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place
his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping
just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on
her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become
quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was
wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This
is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to
shut up.
(2) Five
Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch
the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This
is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go
Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud
Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are
an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's
Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements
a woman can make to a man . That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when
you will pay for your mistake..
(7) Thanks: A
woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I
want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks
a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say
'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever')
(8) Whatever: Is
a woman's way of saying nick off !
(9) Don't worry about it,
I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For
the woman's response refer to # 3.
NEEDS
HELP?
We just had a guy come into our auto parts store asking if
we sold longer dipsticks, because his doesn't reach his oil anymore.
QUIRKY - Purple People Eater
Who
is old enough to remember this quirky song. It is worth a smile.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jV-E09efRE
BLONDE JOKE
A
blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She
notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She
takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
“You
OK”? She says.
“Yes”.
He says.
“You
can go and play with the other kids you know”, she says.
“It's
best I stay here”. He says.
“Why
is that sweetie”? says the blonde.
The
boy looks at her incredulously and says,
“Because I'm the goalie!”
Alternative “Scriptures”………..
Pay special attention to the wording
and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with holy scripture, you'll
find this hilarious! It comes from a roman catholic elementary school test.
Students were asked questions about the old
and new testaments.
Responses have NOT been retouched or
corrected.
1.
In
the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so
he took the sabbath off.
2.
Adam
and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah
built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3.
Lots
wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4.
The
Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic genitals.
5.
Sampson
was a strongman who let himself be led astray by ajezebel like Delilah.
6.
Samson
slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7.
Moses
led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread
without any ingredients.
8.
The
Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
After wards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9.
The
first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10.
The
seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11.
Moses
died before he ever reached Canada.Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of
Geritol.
12.
The
greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.
13.
David
was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14.
Solomon,
one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15.
When
Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16.
When
the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17.
Jesus
was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18.
St.
John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19.
Jesus
enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to
you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20.
It
was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
21.
The
people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22.
The
Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.
23.
One
of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24.
St.
Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name
for marraige.
25.
Christians
have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
SOME LITTLE GEMS………..
·
The
ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep you
mouth shut in any language is priceless.
·
If you don’t like where you are, move.
You are not a tree.
·
Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means
that they know another language.
·
Never make a woman mad. They can remember stuff that hasn’t
even happened yet.
·
A wise man one said nothing.
·
Behind every angry woman, stands a man who has absolutely no
idea what HE did wrong!
·
Never confuse education with intelligence.
·
Despite the old saying “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many
women still sleep with their husbands.
·
Most of the things that you worry about, will not happen, so
relax.
·
The devil whispered to me “I’m coming for you”. I whispered
back “Bring pizza”.
WE'VE DONE US PROUD – Slim Dusty
I think that we should end the 70th and last Silly with a huge Australian – Slim Dusty.
There are some great words in this song, much of it relevant in our (hopefully)
post-COVID Aussie era.
If Slim was still around he may have
added another COVID-related verse.
As you listen to the words please picture
Shirley, myself and some great mates around
a campfire, maybe eating stew & toast,
maybe drinking a coffee, or more likely
a glass of red wine.
Whatever we are doing we will be very happy that we are able to do
it in this great country.
Slim Dusty - We've Done Us Proud -
YouTube
Fond
Memories of 2019
Signing Off
It is with some sadness that I finish my last Silly.
I hope you have enjoyed the journey. I definitely have. It has been a load of
fun and a lot of laughs.
Some of the music clips/videos brought back some old
and great memories. Many created new memories.
I would like to think it also filled a bit of a void
in your COVID lives at times, either as a reader or as a contributer –
particularly during lockdowns.
Again, I would like to sincerely thank the many
contributors who made my job so much easier.
It is now time to start the next phase of our lives,
and see a bit more of this wonderful country. I trust that you also have plans,
be they around Melbourne, or further afield.
Chris & Shirley
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly
one who is a good listener. 😊
Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from
you?
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
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