Life
ends when you stop dreaming,
Hope
ends when you stop believing,
Love
ends when you stop caring; and,
Friendship
ends when you stop sharing …
and
A young
man once said, “Erasers are made for those who make mistakes.”
An old
man replied, “Erasers are made for those who are willing to correct their
mistakes!”
Attitude
matters….
BOBBY DARIN "DREAM
LOVER"
I
am that there are some female reader who know the words to the following golden
oldie….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzkECdHu1dQ
AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE - GERRY AND THE PACEMAKERS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy7BZ0v4lPo
And again
DAVE CLARK FIVE – GLAD ALL OVER
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EipdAjhImrc
CUPID
FLYING FROM RUBENS' PAINTING AT BRUSSELS AIRPORT
This is great combination of music, love
and technology.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AprMYpIa7tQ
ALL IRISH
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury
foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.’
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean
I can keep the money?’
-------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him
to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
--------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the
hospital. 'Quick!' he said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a
baby!’
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.'
IDLE THOUGHTS?
·
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
·
Protons have
mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
·
I am neither
for nor against apathy.
·
All I ask is
a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
·
If the world
were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
·
What is a
"free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
·
They told me
I was gullible ....and I believed them.
·
Teach a child
to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be
able to merge his car onto the freeway.
·
Experience is
the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
·
One nice
thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.
·
My weight is
perfect for my height ... which varies.
·
I used to be
indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
·
The cost of
living hasn't affected its popularity.
·
How can there
be self-help groups?
·
Show me a man
with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his
pants off.
·
Is it just
me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
FOOD FOR THOUGHT………
·
What would happen if there were
·
no more hypothetical questions?
·
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no
match for me at kick boxing.
·
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble
putting on your pants.
·
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
·
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe
my bookie.
·
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far
all it's been doing is gathering dust.
·
Television may insult your intelligence, but
nothing rubs it in like a computer.
·
Hospitality is the art of making
guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
·
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are
the do-it-yourself type.
·
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the
other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
·
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have in mind to
blame.
·
I hate it when people use big
words
·
just to make themselves sound
perspicacious.
VACCINE - A CAUSE FOR CONCERN?
This happened last
week and is important information for my age group. I had my second dose of the
vaccine at the vaccination center after which I began to have blurred vision on
the way home.
When I got home, I called the vaccination
center for advice and to ask if I should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.
I was told NOT to go to a doctor or a
hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up my
glasses!!
MAINTENANCE OF MOBILE PHONE
Did you hear about the guy who deleted all german names from the
contact list on his mobile phone?
Now his mobile is “Hans free”.
AUSSIE SPEAK
Have you ever noticed that many Aussies answer questions in a
negative way, forces you to work out the answer for yourself.
Q. G’day, ow r ya?
A. Not bad.
Q. Watcha bin doin?
A. Not much.
Q. Where’s ya missus?
A. Not here.
Q. When are ya goin to the pub?
A. Won’t be long.
Q. How’s ya footy team goin?
A. Could be better.
THINGS TO PONDER
·
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
·
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
·
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
·
How is it possible to have a civil war?
·
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
·
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
·
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
·
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
·
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
·
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
·
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
·
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
·
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
·
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
·
Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead
of "assteroids"?
·
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
·
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
·
What happens when none of your bees wax?
·
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
·
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during
a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
·
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
·
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why
doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
·
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
·
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
·
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it
would defeat the purpose.
·
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why
are they all still working?
·
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
·
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to
have a "S" in it?
·
Why do the drive-thru instant teller machines have braille
instructions?
QUOTABLE QUOTES
“It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his
job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay
down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his
newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches,
rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same
person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by
four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman
“If you’re going to do something tonight that
you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover
“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I
just change my hairstyle.” – Hillary Clinton
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The
lesson is ‘never try.’” – Homer Simpson
“My grandfather once told me that there were two
kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told
me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” – Indira Gandhi
“People who think they know everything are a great
annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
“I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than
100% of my own effort.” – J. Paul Getty
“My wife Mary and I have been married for
forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to
consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
“Money is not the most important thing in the
world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Women are wiser than men because they know less
and understand more.” – James Thurber
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks
to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner
“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others.
And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as
luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t
have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their
lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you
consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno
INSULTS
These glorious insults are from an era " before" the
English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some
unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, " said
Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest
Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste
no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends." Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...
if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having
you here." Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness
in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul
Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?" Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the
stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
they go." Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for
support rather than illumination. Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy
Wilder
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this
wasn't it." Groucho Marx
THE PRICE OF GAS IN FRANCE
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings,
and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such
an obvious error, he replied,
'Monsieur, this is the reason I stole the paintings…..
'I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else....
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse……………
GRADE 6 MATHS
My grandson in Grade 6 recently asked me for help with the problem below. Refer to Figure 1 below.
You have 7 minutes. Go for it. Maybe let me know how you get on.
If I get enough responses I will put (my version of) the answer in
the next issue.
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly
one who is a good listener. 😊
Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from
you?
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊
*** End of Issue No 69 ***
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