Welcome to the third last edition of the Silly.
COVID jabs are ramping up among my age group. This is very handy as that
age group is now hitting the road with their caravan, motorhome or car. We are
soon to join them.
As usual I will be doing a blog of the trip, but not a
regular bulletin. So if you are a blog reader, you are in. If not, then (as Ned
Kelly would say) such is life.
ANZAC Day has come and gone, when we paused to reflect on
those who have served our countries – some never to return.
I spent the Saturday being helped
by two granddaughters to cook many trays of Anzac biscuits, a tradition I
started when our own children were toddlers. See photo below. The supply
quickly dwindled.
Enjoy No 68………………….
GREEN AND GOLD MALARIA
I don’t think I have included this Aussie gem
before. If I have, it is still worth another run.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzaB0lWNAx0
Have The New Jab - Hallelujah
adapted by the Marsh Family" on YouTube
Get a smile out of the creative adaption of this great song. Very
topical at the moment……..
SLIM DUSTY - LEAVE HIM IN THE
LONGYARD
A great Aussie song………………..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v1J9nnfss4&list=RDdipFMJckZOM&index=4
RALPH McTELL - STREETS
OF LONDON
This was a “must listen to”
track around 1969 to 1970. It was interesting that when I was in London in 1974
it was near impossible to find a Ralph McTell record – unless it was second
hand.
If you listen to the
interview at the back end of the video you will hear about how the song had a
renaissance after I left London. I hope you enjoy the video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiWomXklfv8&list=RDdipFMJckZOM&index=5
BILLY JOEL - PIANO MAN
Another
oldie, but a goodie…………..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiDiKwbGfIY&list=RDdipFMJckZOM&index=2
AMERICAN PIE
This
song about Vincent van Gogh written by Don McLean was released on the flip side
of the 45RPM song American Pie in 1971.
Although
"American Pie" is considered an anthem in modern music this tribute
to VvG is every bit as powerful.
Don
McLean wrote this song about Vincent Van Gogh who never sold a painting while
he lived.
His
brother supported him even after Vincent lost his mind.
Whoever
has made this video deserves thanks for selecting Vincent's paintings that
perfectly match Don McLean's lyrics that pay tribute to
this
genius! Enjoy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dipFMJckZOM
OXYMORONS OF
LANGUAGE
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
How is it that LONG is one letter smaller than SHORT, or
conversely
Why is SHORT one letter bigger than LONG?
THE DENTIST
A guy walks into a Dentist's
office. He says, "Dr. I think I have a problem. I think I'm a
moth." The Doctor replies, "You probably need to see a
psychiatrist, not a dentist."
The guy says, "I
understand."
The Doctor says, "Then
why did you come here?"
The guy says, "Your
light was on."
THE
ELDERLY COUPLE
An elderly couple had dinner
at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went
into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last
night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would
recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is
the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and
finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you
love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean
a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,'
replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Computer Tech Support For A New Wife!
We
have had a similar story before, but this is worth including…………………
A
young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her
relationship with her husband) presumably she did it as a joke. Then she got a
reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love
advice was hilarious and genius!
THE
QUERY
Dear
Tech Support,
Last
year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery apps, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled some of my other apps, such as Romance
9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable apps such as:
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have
tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What
can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
THE
RESPONSE
(that came weeks later out of the blue)
Dear Desperate,
First
keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is
an operating system. Please enter command: Ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and
try to download Tears 6.2. Also install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that app works
as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run Jewellery 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer
6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 will download the Farting and Snoring
Loudly Beta version.
Whatever
you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a
virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources. In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install Boyfriend 5.0.
That will crash Husband 1.0.
Husband
1.0 is a functional app, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn other
new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional apps to
improve memory and performance. Try Cooking 3.0.
Good
Luck!! Tech Support.
KEEP SMILING…
Sign
in a shoe repairer store in Vancouver read:
We will heel you
We will save
your sole
We will even
dye for you.
Sign over a
Gynaecologist’s Office:
"Dr.
Jones, at your cervix.”
In a
Podiatrist's office:
"Time
wounds all heels.”
On a Septic
Tank Truck:
Yesterday's
Meals on Wheels
At an
Optometrist's Office:
"If
you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come
to the right place.”
On a
Plumber's truck :
"We
repair what your husband fixed.”
On another
Plumber's truck:
"Don't
sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tyre
Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite
us to your next blowout.”
On an
Electrician's truck:
"Let
us remove your shorts.”;
In a
Non-smoking Area:
"If
we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
On a
Maternity Room door:
"Push.
Push. Push.”
At a Car
Dealership:
"The
best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a
Muffler Shop:
"No
appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a
Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be
back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the
Electric Company:
"We
would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if
you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In a
Restaurant window:
"Don't
stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
In the front
yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive
carefully. We'll wait.”
At a Propane
Filling Station:
"Thank
Heaven for little grills.”
In a Chicago
Radiator Shop:
"Best
place in town to take a leak.”
And
the best one for last:
Sign
on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
DRIVING TEST
Dave's teenage son had just
passed his driving test and asked his dad if he could borrow the ute.
Dave was not all that keen on
his larrikin son hooning around in his beloved V8 Holden so he set some
conditions. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your
bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the
ute.”
The son thought about that
for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks Dave said, 'mate, you've brought your grades up and I
noticed that you have been studying your bible, but you haven't had your hair
cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad,
I've noticed in my studies of the bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence
that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his Dave replied,
'Yes, and did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
SIX LITTLE STORIES WITH LOTS OF MEANING
1.
One day
all the villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer, all the
people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. That is FAITH.
2.
When you
throw babies into the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That is TRUST.
3.
Every
night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but
still we set the alarms to wake up. That is HOPE.
4.
We plan
big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. That is CONFIDENCE.
5.
We see the
world suffering, but still, we get married and have children. That is LOVE.
6.
On an old
man shirt was written a sentence “I am not 80 years old, I am Sweet 16 with 64
years of experience.” That is ATTITUDE.
Have a happy day
and live your life like these six stories. Remember good friends are the rare
jewels of life, difficult to find and impossible to replace!
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
1.
Talk to
yourself. There are times when you need expert advice.
2.
In style
are the clothes that still fit .
3.
You don't
need anger management. You need people to stop making you mad.
4.
Your
people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work .
5.
The
biggest lie you tell yourself is, I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it.
6.
On time is
when you get there.
7.
Even duct
tape can't fix stupid- but it sure does muffle the sound.
8.
It would
be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come
out wrinkles free and three sizes smaller.
9.
Growing
old should have taken longer.
10.
Ageing has
slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up .
11.
You still
haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will .
12.
One for
the road means going to the toilet before you leave the house.
BILLY CONNOLLY - SIGNAL MAN JOKE
Don’t
panic, this is one of the few clean Billy Connolly jokes………..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suHIvvMLWUw
GROANERS
1.
Dad, are we
pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2.
What do you call a
pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3.
Writing my name in
cursive is my signature move.
4.
Why do bees stay in
their hives during winter? Swarm.
5.
If you’re bad at
haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6.
Just so everyone’s
clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7.
A commander walks
into a bar and orders everyone around.
8.
I lost my job as a
stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9.
Never buy flowers
from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10.
How much did the
pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11.
I once worked at a
cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12.
My friends and I
have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13.
I lost my
girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14.
Why is ‘dark’
spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15.
Why is it unwise to
share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16.
When I told my
contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18.
Prison is just one
word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19.
Scientists got
together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was
staggering.
20.
I’m trying to
organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21.
I got over my
addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky
road.
22.
What do you say to
comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23.
I went to the toy
store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied,
“Aisle B, back.”
24.
What did the surgeon
say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25.
I’ve started telling
everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin
awareness.
QUOTABLE
QUOTES
“My pessimism extends to the point of even
suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand
“Haters are just confused admirers because they
can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” –
Jeffree Star
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens
in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson
“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis
“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has
brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in
the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison
“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once
said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the
light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn
“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant
unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the
money?” – John Barrymore
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their
names.” – John F. Kennedy
“I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis.
I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.” – John Fugelsang
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look
around once in a while, you could miss it.” – John Hughes
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual
pursuit that still carries any reward.” – John Maynard Keynes
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not
swallowed.” – Josh Billings
“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is
procrastination, and he is still at large.” – Josh Billings
“The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as
stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.” – Karl Kraus
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
“The safe way to double your money is to fold it
over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover
that your high school class is running the country.” –
Kurt Vonnegut
“A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely
aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We
spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not
nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.” – Lauren Miller
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly
one who is a good listener. 😊
Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from
you?
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle. 😊
*** End of Issue No 68 ***
