C19 "Silly" Newsletter: March 2021

INTRO

Wednesday 25 March 2020 saw the first edition of the Silly. I did not imagine that it would still be going twelve months later – with three more editions already with the editor. No 70 may be the final issue – but we will see.

It is clear, as a society, that we have changed, and we have learned a lot. Unfortunately, some of the lessons took far too long to sink in, and some are still a ‘work in progress’.

I would like to think that we have cause for optimism, but not for complacency.

I hope that you and your family and friends are in a far better place than you were six months ago. I know that some are not, so let’s pull together to get our mates through to the other side.

Chris

MUSIC

I was about to go to press when I realised that I did not have any music. So I did a search for "famous Australian music artists". I hope you like what I found.............

Bee Gees - How Deep is Your Love

Midnight Oil - Beds are Burning

Slim Dusty - Looking Forward - Looking Back

We have had this before, but it is a great track.

INXS - Never Tear Us Apart

FOOD FOR THOUGHT – PART 4

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” – Dick Cavett

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” – Doug Larson

“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” – E. B. White

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philip

FROM THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN – PART 2

1. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

2. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

3. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer..
She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Sh1t! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

4. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

5. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

6. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

A FISHING TALE - THE SNAKE WITH THE FROG

An old Queenslander went fishing in his boat on Lake Eachem, but, after a while, ran out of worms. Then he saw a keelback snake swimming in the lake with a frog in his mouth and he remembered frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. He grabbed his bottle of Johnny Walker and poured a little whisky in its mouth. The snake’s eyes rolled back & he went limp. He released the snake back into the lake without incident and carried on fishing with the frog.

A little later he felt a nudge on the side of his boat. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

BELATED NEW YEAR FUNNIES

Q: What is a New Year’s resolution?
A: Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Q: What do snowmen like to do on New Year’s Eve?
A: Chill out.

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for new year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

Q: What do New Year’s parades have in common with Santa Claus?
A: No one is awake to see either of them.

My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time and money to charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week.

Q: Why do you need a jeweller on New Year’s Eve?
A: To ring in the new year.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

Q: What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
A: Pop!

Q: What’s a cow’s favourite holiday?
A: Moo Year’s Eve.

Q: Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?
A: Waiting for the punchline.

Q: What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?
A: Hogs and kisses!

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Q: What did the ghost say on January 1st?
A: Happy Boo Year.

I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.

Q: What’s a digital camera’s New Year’s resolution?
A: 1080p.

This New Year’s, I’m going to make a resolution I can keep—no dieting all year long.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby New Year.

Q: Where can you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve?
A: Times Square.

Q: Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?
A: To start off the new year in a cool way.

Q: What do you tell someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve?
A: I haven’t seen you for a year!

This New Year’s, I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

Q: What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?
A: He got 12 months!

Q: What is corn’s favorite holiday?
A: New EARS Day!

Q: What’s the one group that hates New Year’s Day?
A: The New Year’s Eve clean-up crew.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

The only “homework” you want your dog to chew up is your list of New Year’s resolutions.

Q: Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.
A: December 31st.

My New Year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to “Auld Lang Syne.”

A DETERMINED MUM!

In the Australian War Memorial, a pigeon sets its nest up high in the Hall of Memory. It has been stealing poppies from the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier for its nest on the ledge, below a stained-glass window. The last photo shows a baby pigeon.

OLD MEN WALK SLOWLY, BUT THINK FAST!!!

An elderly man in North Queensland had owned a large property for many years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile’.

Moral:
Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast!

CONTRACTORS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the No. 10.Downing Street One is an English worker , another is a Scottish worker , and the third is an Aussie worker .
All three go with a No.10 official to examine the fence. The English contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run to about £500:- £200 for materials, £200 for my crew and £100 profit for me."

The Scottish contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £600: £250 for materials, £250 for my crew and £100 profit for me."

The Aussie contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the No. 10 official and whispers, "£1500." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Aussie contractor whispers back, "£250 for materials, £250 for my crew, £500 profit for me & £500 for you”

"Done!" replies the government official.