A dear friend, who scored a good supply of chocolates for
Christmas recently uttered the following:
I have hidden the chocolates from myself.
After some discussion it was discovered that she should
have said:
I have hidden my husband’s and my chocolates from myself
– and him.
Life can be hard after Christmas. 😊
TOP 5 BOOGIE WOOGIE WOMEN
If you like the goanna, and you have
your foot-tapping shoes on, then check out the following video…………..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkHDTIbJa4w
SOME POST-CHRISTMAS
HUMOUR
A FASCINATING SHORT SEA STORY
SS WARRIMOO
The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly
knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver
to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and
brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position
was LAT 0º 31' N and LON 179 30' W.
"Know what this means?" First Mate
Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the intersection of the
Equator and the International Date Line".
Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take
full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a
lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double
check the ships position. He changed course slightly so as to bear
directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather
& clear night worked in his favour.
At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the
Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The
consequences of this bizarre position were many:
·
The
forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the
middle of summer.
·
The
rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.
·
The
date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.
·
In
the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.
·
This
ship was therefore not only in:
·
Two
different days,
·
Two
different months,
·
Two
different years,
·
Two
different seasons
·
But
in two different centuries - all at the same time.
TERROR ALERT LEVELS
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not
been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a
"Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised
their threat level from "Peed Off" to "Let's Get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French
government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from
"Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French
who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military
Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also
increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels .
The Spanish are
all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully
designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good
look at the old Spanish Navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out
pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern
hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from
"baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the
Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one
more level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue
Us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from
"No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more
escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel
the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". So far
no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
ESCALATOR VS. STAIRS - FOOD FOR THOUGHT
This is an interesting
idea to encourage people to use the stairs instead of the escalator.
Enjoy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeAJJDRn_H0
Above and below:
Maybe
someone has spent too much time in the kitchen during the lockdown.
COVID-19 TEST
A
new and easy test for Covid-19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and
positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take
a glass and pour a decent dram of your favourite whisky (gin or rum) into it;
then see if you can smell it, if you can then you are halfway there; then drink
it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently
free of the virus.
I
tested myself 9 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.
I
will have to test myself again today though, as I have developed a headache
which can also be one of the symptoms.
DO I NEED THIS MEDICINE?
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor
was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "
Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these
that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN
HAVE LEARNED:
·
No matter how hard you
try, you can't baptize cats.
·
When your Mom is mad at
your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
·
If your sister hits you,
don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
·
Never ask your 3-year old
brother to hold a tomato.
·
You can't trust dogs to
watch your food.
·
Don't sneeze when someone
is cutting your hair.
·
Never hold a Dust-Buster
and a cat at the same time.
·
You can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk.
·
Don't wear polka-dot
underwear under white shorts.
·
The best place to be when
you're sad is Grandma's lap.
MORE DAD JOKES
1.
Why was the color green
notoriously single? It was always so jaded.
2.
I used to hate facial
hair, but then it grew on me.
3.
I want to make a brief
joke, but it’s a little cheesy.
4.
Why did the coach go to
the bank?
To get his quarterback.
5.
How do celebrities stay
cool?
They have many fans.
6.
Sundays are always a
little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
7.
5 out of 4 of people admit
they’re bad at fractions.
8.
Why did the bedding hide
their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!
9.
You’re American when you
go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the
bathroom? European.
10.
I’ve been thinking about
taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
11.
Dogs can’t operate MRI
machines. But catscan.
12.
13.
It takes guts to be an
organ donor.
14.
What does Rockin’ Robin do
when she’s bored? Tweet.
15.
I lost my job at the bank
on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
16.
How
do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
17.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty
of resisting a rest?
18.
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
19.
My friend keeps saying cheer up man it could be worse, you
could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.
I know he means well.
20.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir
Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
21.
MOM: How do I look? DAD: With your eyes.
22.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because
the pee is silent.
23.
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said,
But dad, your name is Brian. I said, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas
Jefferson.
24.
KID: Dad, make me a sandwich!
DAD: Poof, you’re a sandwich!
25.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He
couldn't see himself doing it.
26.
What has
two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
27.
What
did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
28.
CASHIER:
Would you like the milk in a bag, sir? DAD: No, just leave it in the carton!’
29.
What's
the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
30.
What do
you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING
OLD
·
Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
·
Forget the health food. I
need all the preservatives I can get.
·
When you fall down, you wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.
·
You're getting old when
you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
·
It's frustrating when you
know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
·
Time may be a great
healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
·
Wisdom comes with age, but
sometimes age comes alone.
STILL MORE SIGNS FROM INDIAN WELLS
NORTH WESTERN AUSTRALIA
THE KIMBERLEY IN MONSOON SEASON
The following video was taken in the Kimberley
in the monsoon season a few weeks ago – a part of our country that many of us
love.
I for one would have loved to have been
there.
I hope you enjoy the images.
Editor
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener.
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is after a cuddle.
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