In this issue I include a ‘serious’ topic, on
hydration. If you are classed as a ‘senior’ then I urge you to read it –
for your own good. It is near the end of this newsletter.
Now, please read the rest of the Silliness
and have a smile – or two.
Something we take for granted………….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=0Cd7Bsp3dDo
DINNER FOR ONE - FREDDIE FRINTON AND MAY WARDEN
An oldie, and a goodie…………………..
SPIKE & HARRY
If you are a fan of Spike Milligan and/or Harry Secombe and/or The
Goons, check out the following crazy video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1iVdLSoIRY
THE
TWO RONNIES – THE DUCK
Similarly, if you like the Two Ronnies check out the following:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pj0_Ps5c08I
BREAD
A woman sends a text to her
husband “honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your
girlfriend Valerie greets you”.
Husband: who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you
to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text .
Husband: But I'm with Valerie
right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What ??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: I'm at the bakery, where at
you?
Husband: I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery you can buy the bread!
SENIOR CITIZEN
A little silver haired lady calls
her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer
jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbour asks, “what is it
supposed to be when it's finished?”
The little silver headed lady
says, “According to the picture on the box it's a rooster”.
Her neighbour decides to go over
and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him
where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a
moment then looks at the box, then turns to her and says “First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly,
I want you to relax. Let's have a nice Cup of tea, and then” he said with a
deep sigh ……
“Let's put all the Corn Flakes back
into the box..”
MORE SIGNS FROM INDIAN WELLS
NOSTALGIA – Part 1
The image
below shows a 350-year-old library tool that enabled a researcher to have seven
books open at once, yet conveniently nearby (Palafoxiana Library, Puebla).
CURTIS AND LEROY
Curtis and Leroy saw an ad in the
Hearald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the
mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove
up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died
last night ."
Curtis & Leroy replied.
"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said. "Can't do
that. I went and spent it already."
They said. "OK then, just
bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked. "What in
the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said. "We gonna
raffle him off."
The farmer said. "You can't
raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said. "We shore can!
Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead."
A couple of weeks later, the
farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the IGA grocery store and
asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said. "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said. "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1,998.
The farmer said. "My Lord,
didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said. "Well, the
feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the
government. They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus
Programs.
SAYINGS FROM THE PAST
This should bring back some fun memories
- if you're old enough!
‘Well
I’ll be buttered on both sides’
Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the
spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to
Mergatroyd!
The other day a not so elderly (I say
75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said,
"What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word
jalopy! She knew she was old ... But not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some
old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of
technology. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial; Carbon copy; You
sound like a broken record; and Hung out to dry.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker,
to straighten
up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy Moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley ; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being
a knucklehead,
a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to
be swell, but when's the last time anything
was swell? Swell
has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers,
fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been
just a short nap, and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" Or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" We discover that the words we grew
up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with
scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left
behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great
phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny
papers. Don't
take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.
It turns out there are more of these
lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing
stuff! (Carter's
Little Liver Pills are gone too!)
Leaves us to wonder where Superman will
find a phone booth.
See ya later, alligator! Okidoki.
You'll notice they left out "Monkey Business"!!!
[How many did you remember?]
MORE DAD JOKES
1.
I used
to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple
of days off.
2.
A
termite walks into a bar and asks, Is the bar tender here?
3.
Two
guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
4.
A ham
sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Sorry we don’t
serve food here.
5.
Can
February March? No, but April May!
6.
Why did
the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.
7. What did the buffalo
say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
8.
Two
peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
9.
What do
you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s
ground beef.
10.
When
you ask a dad if they got a haircut: No, I got them all cut!
11.
What
did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
12.
You
know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
13.
Why
wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
14.
What
noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
15.
A woman
is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge
says, First offender? She says, No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!
16.
Did you
hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
17. You're Australian when you go into the
bathroom, and you're Australian when you come out, but do you know what you are
while you're in there? European.
18.
I’m
only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
19.
WAITRESS:
Soup or salad? DAD: I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.
20.
As a lumberjack,
I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one,
I keep a log.
21.
Want to
hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.
22.
Why do
chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be
chicken sedans!
23.
I was
interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
24.
A
three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I’m looking for
the man who shot my paw.
25. I had a dream that I
was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
26. Did you hear about the
guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
27.
Did you
see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows
weren’t getting a square meal.
28.
I told
my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.
I think it is just too weak.
29.
How do
you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
30.
How do
you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, Ribbit,
ribbit and a horny toad says, Rub it, rub it.
Above & Below: How
Things Change
SEEN ON TSHIRTS OF SENIORS
·
Four out
of three people struggle with maths.
·
I thought
growing old would take longer.
·
When I was
a kid I wanted to be older….. This crap is not what I expected .
·
I have sexdaily dyslexia.
·
Of course
size matters - no one wants a small glass of wine .
·
To me
“drink responsibly” means don't spill it.
·
How am I
supposed to trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you.
·
Pubs. The
official sun block of Ireland.
·
My wife
says I have only two faults. I don't listen and something else ……
·
My body is
a temple - ancient and crumbling and probably cursed or haunted.
·
I am so
busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse .
·
You are
about to exceed the limits of my medication .
·
I am who I
am - your approval is not needed.
·
By the
shoes - no point in being the richest one in the Cemetery.
·
Scientists
say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. They forgot to
mention morons.
·
Today I
was a hero! I rescue some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
·
If you
can't laugh at yourself let me do it .
·
I may be
wrong, but I doubt it.
·
Everyone
was syncing it- I just said it .
·
At my
funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who
is next.
·
No I don't
need anger management you need to stop ******* me off.
·
A little
grey here is a small price to pay for all this wisdom!
·
My husband
thinks I'm crazy but I'm not the one who married me.
·
Some days
the supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
·
Don't
judge me by my relatives.
·
Patience
is a virtue - it's just not one of my virtues.
·
Twinkle
twinkle little star, point me to the nearest bar .
·
Sorry I'm
late- I did not want to come .
·
Does
running late count as an excuse?
·
On your
mark, gets it, go away!
·
The best
thing about the good old days was that I wasn't good and I wasn't old.
·
I'm great
in bed - I can sleep for days .
By: Dr
Arnaldo Liechtenstein
Whenever I teach clinical medicine to
students in the fourth year of medicine, I ask the following question: What
are the causes of mental confusion in the elderly?
Some offer: "Tumors in the
head". I answer: No!
Others suggest: "Early symptoms of
Alzheimer's". I answer again: No!
With each rejection of their answers,
their responses dry up.
And they are even more open-mouthed when
I list the three most common causes:
·
uncontrolled diabetes;
·
urinary infection;
·
dehydration.
It may sound like a joke, but it
isn't. People over 60 constantly stop feeling thirsty and consequently
stop drinking fluids.
When no one is around to remind them to
drink fluids, they quickly dehydrate. Dehydration is severe and affects
the entire body. It may cause abrupt mental confusion, a drop in blood
pressure, increased heart palpitations, angina (chest pain), coma and even
death.
This habit of forgetting to drink fluids
begins at age 60, when we have just over 50% of the water we should have in our
bodies. People over 60 have a lower water reserve. This is part of the
natural aging process.
But there are more complications.
Although they are dehydrated, they don't feel like drinking water, because
their internal balance mechanisms don't work very well.
Conclusion:
People over 60 years old dehydrate
easily, not only because they have a smaller water supply, but also because
they do not feel the lack of water in the body.
Although people over 60 may look
healthy, the performance of reactions and chemical functions can damage their
entire body.
So here are two alerts:
1. Get into the habit of drinking liquids.
Liquids include water, juices, teas, coconut water, milk, soups, and water-rich
fruits, such as watermelon, melon, peaches and pineapple; Orange and tangerine
also work. The important thing is that, every two hours, you must drink some
liquid. Remember this!
2. Alert for family members: constantly
offer fluids to people over 60. At the same time, observe them. If you
realize that they are rejecting liquids and, from one day to the next, they are
irritable, breathless or display a lack of attention, these are almost
certainly recurrent symptoms of dehydration.
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh
try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is
after a cuddle. 😊
Please:
