EDITORIAL
The Melbourne Cup has been run and won (and lost). The roses are now being picked and distributed to those who deserve a bit of love.
So now we turn our thoughts to things summer, be it beach, cricket, bowls or holidays.
Who has had their retail therapy fix?
Who has been to the hairdresser?
Who has not been to Bunnings or a plant nursery?
Let’s look forward to Christmas……………
SOME VIDEOS
An avid reader pointed out to me that a recent video had a follow-up YouTube video that was also very good. My investigation lead to a few more. These are good for grand-parents when the grand-kids are around. I hope you enjoy them.
The Present
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XA0bB79oGc
Taking Flight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj6V-xZgtlQ
Molly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj3fadwcNGI
and my all-time favourite Foghorn Leghorn …..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF6qUh3T9KE
ENGLISH LANGUAGE
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one?
Take a few minutes to try and come up with a nine letter word that fits the bill.
The answer is later in this issue……………………
Amanda’s Garlic – Getting Close
Note the snow peas invading the forest of garlic. Unfortunately, they are outside the “ring of steel”.
SOME COVID READING
Have a close look at the titles …………
CELTIC THUNDER – CHRISTMAS IN 1915
A very moving song …………
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JG3l-OBdcPI&list=RDJ_Ayy4XTDds&index=4
A COUPLE OF GREAT VOICES
Sir Tom Jones and Mike Ward – Duet singing 'Green, Green Grass Of Home' - The Voice UK Live
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1suiNZ-IlU
JOKE
Two elderly ladies were talking. At our age, I don't know what would be worse; Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" one said. Her wise friend answered, Oh I'd rather have Parkinson's, definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."
HUMOUR WORD PLAY
BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS - The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN - A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET - A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES - Something other people have....similar to my character lines.
OLD - I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!
In youth, the days are short and the years are long. In old age, the years are short and days long.
YES, PRIME MINISTER - THE NEED TO KNOW
An oldie, but a goodie…………..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX45hc0aZt0
JOKE....A WOMAN'S REVENGE
After 17 years of marriage a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since his lawyers appeared to be really good he gave in. He gave his ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belonging into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on 500g of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpets. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back....thinking his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth....but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within an hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....including the curtain rods.
THE DEAD HORSE THEORY
The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that:
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
THE BATHTUB TEST
During a visit to my doctor I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an aged care home?”
“Well”, he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh I understand”, I said, “a normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup”.
“No”, he said, “a normal person would pull the plug. Do you wanna bed near the window?”
ENGLISH LANGUAGE -THE ANSWER
STARTLING
STARTING
STARING
STRING
STING
SING
SIN
IN
I
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener.
Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from you?
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is after a cuddle.
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