EDITORIAL
We start this issue with a recent photo from our newest reader, an Albury/Wodonga resident.
This young lady has a regular 5.5 km trip that crosses the border. The trip regularly takes 50+ minutes. A bit of a pain.
Our Victorian Premier, Dan Andrews, is looking tired, and understandably so. I hope we are all pulling our weight and are not contributing to his stress levels.
In other words, if we are not well, we get tested and do not shop, golf or visit until we have the results. And please wear your mask(s).
EELS, by Spike Milligan
Eileen Carrol
Had a barrel
Filled with writhing eels
And just for fun
She swallowed one
Now she knows how it feels.
THE THEREMIN
In
the orchestra in the video below, there is a woman who is playing an instrument
called the Theremin.
It is a quantum
instrument played solely by the energy from one's hands. The instrument
creates a magnetic field which is played without being touched and emits a
sound which resembles the human voice.
The thereminist stands
in front of the instrument and moves his or her hands in the proximity of two
metal antennas. The distance from one antenna determines frequency (pitch), and
the distance from the other controls amplitude (volume). ... The theremin uses
the heterodyne principle to generate an audio signal. This instrument is
notoriously difficult to master.
Listen ... it's original
and beautiful.
TECHNOLOGY BOOK READING
If you use ZOOM and you love reading books to your little grandkids and you are missing out at the moment read on ………..
If you visit a web site like the following you can download free children’s books:
The book is usually in PDF format so you can read it on your computer screen.
Next step is to start a ZOOM session with your grandkid(s), then “Share” the screen, then open the PDF book.
You can read the book as you scroll down, and your loved ones can see the book and hear you via ZOOM.
You could have stories like The Tooth Fairy or Hammy the Hamster.
If you need more details, please send me an email. Unfortunately, you cannot kiss them good night. Good luck getting them to sit still.
Chris - Editor
ENGLISH FROM AROUND THE WORLD
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN
Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?
IF SO, WE CAN HELP
Dublin restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE,
OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
HEARING THINGS
The following is letter that was sent into the latest Halliday Wine Companion. Read it carefully.
During the coronavirus restrictions, I found myself reverting to sitting at home listening to the radio and relaxing. Perhaps the urge to uncork a nice red was kicking in earlier than usual, perhaps my hearing is simply failing with age, but I noticed something weird happening.
I found myself hearing more songs about red wine on the radio. It started with 'Red Red Wine’ and 'Heard It Through the Grapevine’, but then it got a little more subtle. Paul McCartney started with 'Cabernet, all my troubles seemed so far away, oh I believe in cabernet’ This was followed by his Wings classic. 'It's everywhere with merlot and merlot does it good!
Tom Jones clearly had a liking for McLaren Vale with 'It's good to taste the green-grenache of home’ and Elton John chipped in with, 'But the biggest kick I ever got, drinking a thing called the cabernet franc’. Talking Heads got in on the act with ‘The world was moving, she was right there with it and shi-raz’.
Even the Old-World varieties were creeping in. 'When my baby smiles at me I go to Rio, tempranillo’ and the one-hit wonder 'Turning sangiovese, I really think so’ And I'm sure I heard Doris Day singing 'Okay syrah’. But the highlight has been Nine to Five, a song Dolly Parton surely dedicated to James Halliday and other professional wine tasters. 'Drink Bin 95, what a way to make a living, barely getting dry it's all sipping and no spitting! Bin 95? It's on the label - Penfolds Grange Bin 95.
THE LONGEST TIME
A new version of a Billy Joel classic.
NEW ZEALAND AD
This commercial must have cost Air New Zealand a little fortune. Watch and you will see what I mean. Absolutely Sensational Air New Zealand Safety Video! Now this is one airline safety-video that is NOT boring.
INGENIOUS LADY
A bit of humour here……….
CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER - ONE LINERS
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
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Image
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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
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I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
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Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
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You're not fat, you're just.. easier to see.
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If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
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My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
FATHER DAUGHTER DUET
ALL I ASK OF YOU - PHANTOM OF THE OPERA COVER
We finish
this issue with some superb music from Matt and Savanna Shaw …
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener.
Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from you?
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear is after a cuddle.
*** End of Issue No 36 ***
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