EDITORIAL
As we approach three months since COVID-19 became the top ten items of conversation, we start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Two codes of football have returned, golf has restarted, some eateries are open to limited people, the C19 curve for Australia looks much
heathier – and some people are being silly. Enough said!
Caravan parks are open for bookings all over Australia, ready for travel when state borders re-open. We haven’t started packing, but it is time to start to get excited.
Would you believe it. BowlsVic is re-scheduling pennant matches – for the remaining finals of last season – that should have been completed in March.
I hope that you are well and able to plan your winter with a little more confidence than was possible a few weeks ago.
Shirley and I have extended our walks and have been able to find a couple of routes that just happen to have a coffee shop near the half way mark. 12 For those of you who have not checked out the Yarra Trail – and can – please do so.
LIFE IS LIKE THAT …
Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.
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I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
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When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for visitors!”
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Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency I think you should write, "An ambulance.”
QUIZ:
1. What was Sir Don Bradman batting average?
2. Who was the last Australian to win the men’s singles title at Wimbledon?
3. Who is on the front of the current issue $100 note?
4. In what city did the first Commonwealth Parliament first sit?
5. Who was the first Australian writer to win the prestigious Booker Prize?
6. Who designed the Sydney Opera House?
7. Where was Australian bushranger Ned Kelly’s last stand?.
8. What year in Australian was decimal currency introduced?
9. What year did Cyclone Tracy hit Darwin?
10. In rhyming slang, if someone was going to have 'a Bo Peep' what will they be doing?
LIFE IS LIKE THAT (Continued …
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?”
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
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Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
THE CARROT CLARINET...
Wait 'til you hear the sound that comes out of it! This TedX talk was performed at the Sydney Opera House in 2014.
WATER SLIDE
If you want a rush of blood have a look at the following:
BRIAN SULLIVAN
A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City . (This was some time ago of course - not now!)
The cabbie says, "perfect timing, you're just like Brian." The passenger said "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow... Some guy that Brian."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
QUIZ ANSWERS
1. 99.94.
2. Lleyton Hewitt.
3. Dame Nellie Melba.
4. Melbourne (9th May 1901).
5. Thomas Michael Keneally (Schindler's Ark, 1982).
6. Joern Utzon.
7. Glenrowan, Victoria.
8. 1966.
9. 1974.
10. Having a sleep.
PARAPROSDOKIAN
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
4. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
11. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
12. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor".
14. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
18. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
19. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
23. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
24. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 12
Please stay well and as happy as can be.
The bear still is after a cuddle. 😊
*** End of Issue No 28 ***
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