Such
Instantaneous Lovely Little Yarns
EDITORIAL
Isolation restrictions have been increased, rather than softened as we had hoped. Now, we have to try even harder to be good and not add to the Melbourne dilemma.
Let’s all pull together and help our local communities to achieve a better COVID outcome.
So please try to be good and be safe, and consider others.
Chris
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
⦁ The Bubonic Plague was rife in 1720.
⦁ The Cholera Epidemic was winding up in 1820.
⦁ The Spanish Flu pandemic petered out in 1920.
⦁ You know what happened in 2020.
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
The footy club was very anxious to sign up a certain top-class player from the country.
However nothing they said or offered would induce him to sign, and in desperation they decided to stoop to some underhand methods.
The coach sent this beautiful, buxom, blonde secretary - 5’ 11”, 42”-24”-38”, to try to persuade the reluctant player to sign up.
To his astonishment, the coach had not heard back from the young lady, in over a week. Then one morning, she walked into his office, and said: “I’ve got good and bad news for you. The good news he is all signed up. The bad news is he’s 30lbs down from his playing weight”.
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A nice, calm and respectable young lady enters the local pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and aid; “I would like to buy some cyanide”.
The pharmacist asked “Why in the world would you need cyanide?”
The lady replied; “To kill my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “I can’t sell you the poison, it’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail. All kind of bad can happen. Absolutely not! You cannot get the cyanide from here.”
The lady calmly reached into her purse and withdraws a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies in a very calm and professional manner; “Well now, that different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
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The secretary at the golf course was very apologetic. “I’m sorry sir, but we have no open time-slots on the course today.’
“Now just a minute”, said the member, trying to impress his new business partners, “What if I told you that ScoMo and his overseas dignitaries wanted a game, could you find a starting time for them?”
“Yes, of course I would”, was the reply.
“Well, I happen to know that the PM is holidaying overseas at present – and won’t be coming around - so I’ll take his time slot.
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A man and his wife were discussing his new business partner.
“Do you trust him?” asked the wife.
“Trust him?’ said the husband. “Why I’d trust him with my life.”
“Yes, I know that, but would you trust him with anything of value?” asked the wife.
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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THE GOOD OLD DAYS....
Here is a little something to brighten your day.
Do you remember ‘THE JUGGLER'?
It’s worth another watch – even if you've seen it before. They just don't make them like they used to.
Only those of us over 50 would probably recognize the people in the front row,
NOTE: You don’t have to be over 50 to enjoy it!
TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Perth.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
7. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
8. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
10. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
11. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We've got to give it back”.
Sally said, “Finders keepers”. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”, they asked.
Sally said, “No”.
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic”.
Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile”.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning”.
Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We are outta here!”
And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gunna divorce the wife – she ain't spoke to me in over two months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over...women like that are hard to find…….”
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine.
If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 12
Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from you?
The bear still is after a cuddle. 😊
*** End of Issue No 29 ***
