SULTRY IRISH LADIES
LIKE Yabbies
EDITORIAL
Why is it that Woolworths can give me a five-hour window on a chosen day to deliver groceries, Dan Murphy’s lets me select the day, Bunnings delivers the next day, but Australia Post cannot move a birthday card to the next suburb in nine days?
Post COVID-19, the businesses that succeed are the ones that will best adapt and maybe have already started that process.
UPLIFTING MUSIC
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD - AUSSIE POPS ORCHESTRA
Please click on the following for some great music:
CONVERSATION ON A TRAIN
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!”
MATERIALISM
A Salesman parks his brand new Porsche in front of his office ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a lorry comes along and tears off the driver's door. The salesman immediately grabs his mobile and calls the police.
It's less than five minutes before a copper pulls up, but before he even has a chance to ask any questions, the salesman starts screaming. His car, which he's just picked up that day. is completely ruined and will never be the same again, no matter now hard the body shop try to make it new again.
After the salesman finally winds down from his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you salesmen are,' he says. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.'
'How can you say such a thing?' asks the trader arrogantly.
The policeman replies 'Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
The salesperson looks down and in absolute horror. 'Bloody hell!' he screams. 'Where's my Rolex?'
IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY.
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend, 2. A companion, 3. A lover, 4. A brother,
5. A father, 6. A master, 7. A chef, 8. An electrician,
9. A carpenter, 10. A plumber, 11. A mechanic,
12. A decorator, 13. A stylist, 14. A sexologist,
15. A gynecologist, 16. A psychologist, 17. A pest exterminator,
18. A psychiatrist, 19. A healer, 20. A good listener,
21. An organizer, 22. A good father, 23. Very clean,
24. Sympathetic, 25. Athletic, 26. Warm, 27. Attentive,
28. Gallant, 29. Intelligent, 30. Funny, 31. Creative,
32. Tender, 33. Strong, 34. Tolerant, 35. Understanding,
36. Prudent, 37. Ambitious, 38. Capable, 39. Courageous,
40. Determined, 41. True, 42. Dependable,
43. Passionate, 44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly, 46. Love shopping, 47. Be honest, 48. be very rich,
49. Not stress her out, 50. Not look at other women
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget: Birthdays, Anniversaries and the Arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Get naked
2. Bring food.
ICE-CREAM
For a laugh click on the following:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUNMDLNi98
IRISH MIRACLE.........?
At last, confirmation of Murphy's Law with a wonderful Irish explanation.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
FORM 1 POETRY BOOK
There was a young lady of Ryde;
Of eating green apples she died.
Inside the lamented
The apples fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
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There was a young man of Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He went just for fun,
Dressed up as a bun,
And a dog ate him up in the hall.
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There was a sculptor of mark
Whom they chose to brighten Hyde Park.
Some thought his design
Most markedly fine-
But more liked it best in the dark
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and In and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’"
PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is after a cuddle. 😊
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*** End of Issue No 17 ***
