EDITORIAL
For some/many of us we start our fifth week of zero physical contact with loved ones. It is hard for us. I fear what it must be doing to the very little people that many of us have in our lives. Cuddles are every much like water – very hard to live without.
IMPORTANT NOTICE
This is serious, and no joke. Please note that the level of alcohol in good hand sanitiser, makes it inflammable around a flame.
Please do not place you damp sanitiser hands near a naked flame. Do not try this at home.
If you are unsure have a look at the video below:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-KNvZN8Mgc
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY – QUEEN
If you are lover of the above group and song you may be interested in the following rendition:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lr_tEdQvFcc
THE HUMAN RACE
"It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man".
Albert Einstein
"The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race".
Don Marquis
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SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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If you know someone who loves a glass of wine and is having a birthday soon, maybe watch the following video:
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MARRIAGE HUMOUR
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: ‘Nothing.’
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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STRESS RELIEVER
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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HUSBANDS ARE HUSBANDS
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
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A FEW OTHERS
• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
• Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
• PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
• Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
• So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
QANTAS AIRLINES: REPAIR DIVISION
In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Two blokes were marooned on a deserted island in the middle of the broad seas. One, Bill, was a Gentile and Hymie was a Jew. After a short time Bill was starting to become quite desperate, fearing they would never see anyone else ever again. So, every day he started gathering firewood and lighting fires in the hope that a passing ship or anyone might see them or the smoke. Also he spent hours scratching large messages in the sand on the beaches in the hope that maybe a passing plane might spot them.
All through these efforts, Hymie simply lay back enjoying the sun and the surf and the coconuts he would find lying around. After a short time this all got to Bill, who, in anger, accused of Hymie of letting him do all the work and doing nothing to help.
In response, Hymie said, “Bill, last year I gave a million dollars to the synagogue and the year before that I also gave the synagogue a million dollars. They will find me.”
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PLEASE REMEMBER
That laughter is the best medicine. If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊
Please stay well and as happy as can be. The bear is after a cuddle. 😊
Please:
*** End of Issue No 13 ***
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