Well folks, this is it, the final edition of the Silly – 427 days after the first issue. That is about 340 pages of silliness.

I don’t know how many memes and jokes etc that I have seen, edited, laughed and maybe cried at. I do know that I have watched over 700 videos. The censor culled maybe 50% of the material, as I needed to make it a family friendly document. I may have erred a few times, but I hope your offence was short lived.

If you have enjoyed the journey and feel guilty for not paying (say) 99 cents per issue, perhaps you could ring someone who needs help, or chat to a person in need, or give someone a COVID-safe hug.

I have loved the journey but travels beckon and the start to the rest of our lives.

I must sincerely thank the many people who contributed the material – without which we may have had 5 to 10 issues.

In no particular order I thank Bob, Fay, Trish, Kaye, Yvonne, Bev, Peter, John, Gill, Judith, Keren, Bruce, Robin and the many others who made me laugh. My apologies to those not on the above list – and should be.

I have produced four one-hundred-page photobooks – with less censorships. These will be a lasting legacy of the fun that I had.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

"Don't take criticism from people
you would never go to for advice".

MUSIC

Brooks & Dunn - Boot Scootin' Boogie

Let’s finish the Silly with a bit of foot-tapping music.

Click here to watch and listen...

Alan Jackson - Livin' On Love

Click here to listen and watch..

And an interesting ad……

Click here to watch and listen ...

QUOTABLE QUOTES

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin

“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” – George W. Bush

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill

THE CAT

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

MAGIC

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. With the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day then another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where the hell is the boat?"

MORE QUOTABLE QUOTES

“Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.” – Enid Blyton

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck

“Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

“I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway

“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.” – Fred Allen

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen

“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.” – George Bernard Shaw

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

THE TALL HANDSOME STRANGER

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, ‘‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . . . . . on one condition.’’

(There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ‘‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’’ (Controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then selected a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said. . . .

‘‘Clean my house.’’

BOBBY FULLER FOUR - I FOUGHT THE LAW

This song came out when I was 16 – and it just as good now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgtQj8O92eI

THE HONEYCOMBS - HAVE I THE RIGHT

Another sixties number, about the time I got my first kiss on a school bus. Or was that my second?

It was somewhere near Faraday – a famous town for other reasons.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o83gLvDdSG8

DAVE CLARK FIVE - GLAD ALL OVER

While on a roll, let’s do for three in a row – about the same era.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EipdAjhImrc

THE SEARCHERS "NEEDLES AND PINS"

I could not help myself. This is also worth a run.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugDXpdjmpgw

DON’T STOP

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man . That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying nick off !

(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

NEEDS HELP?

We just had a guy come into our auto parts store asking if we sold longer dipsticks, because his doesn't reach his oil anymore.

QUIRKY - Purple People Eater

Who is old enough to remember this quirky song. It is worth a smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jV-E09efRE

BLONDE JOKE

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

“You OK”? She says.

“Yes”. He says.

“You can go and play with the other kids you know”, she says.

“It's best I stay here”. He says.

“Why is that sweetie”? says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

“Because I'm the goalie!”

Alternative “Scriptures”………..

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with holy scripture, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a roman catholic elementary school test.

Students were asked questions about the old and new testaments.

Responses have NOT been retouched or corrected.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by ajezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After wards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

SOME LITTLE GEMS………..

· The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep you mouth shut in any language is priceless.

· If you don’t like where you are, move.
You are not a tree.

· Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means that they know another language.

· Never make a woman mad. They can remember stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.

· A wise man one said nothing.

· Behind every angry woman, stands a man who has absolutely no idea what HE did wrong!

· Never confuse education with intelligence.

· Despite the old saying “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many women still sleep with their husbands.

· Most of the things that you worry about, will not happen, so relax.

· The devil whispered to me “I’m coming for you”. I whispered back “Bring pizza”.

WE'VE DONE US PROUD – Slim Dusty

I think that we should end the 70^th and last Silly with a huge Australian – Slim Dusty. There are some great words in this song, much of it relevant in our (hopefully) post-COVID Aussie era.

If Slim was still around he may have
added another COVID-related verse.

As you listen to the words please picture
Shirley, myself and some great mates around
a campfire, maybe eating stew & toast,
maybe drinking a coffee, or more likely
a glass of red wine.

Whatever we are doing we will be very happy that we are able to do it in this great country.

Slim Dusty - We've Done Us Proud - YouTube

Fond Memories of 2019

Signing Off

It is with some sadness that I finish my last Silly. I hope you have enjoyed the journey. I definitely have. It has been a load of fun and a lot of laughs.

Some of the music clips/videos brought back some old and great memories. Many created new memories.

I would like to think it also filled a bit of a void in your COVID lives at times, either as a reader or as a contributer – particularly during lockdowns.

Again, I would like to sincerely thank the many contributors who made my job so much easier.

It is now time to start the next phase of our lives, and see a bit more of this wonderful country. I trust that you also have plans, be they around Melbourne, or further afield.

Chris & Shirley

PLEASE REMEMBER

That laughter is the best medicine.

If you cannot laugh try to phone a friend, particularly one who is a good listener. 😊

Is there anyone who would love to get a phone call from you?

Please stay well and as happy as can be.

The bear is after a cuddle. 😊

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*** End of Issue No 70 - Final Issue ***

Sunday, 22 August 2021

Friday, 14 May 2021